Do the Hustle

I leave for Texas in exactly one month from today. That means it’s time to haul ass. It’s busy times around here–wrapping up another academic year and closing the buildings, doing the grunt work they dole out for us in the two weeks before our contracts are up, packing up my crap, hyperventilating about gas prices. The last time I moved it didn’t cost $300 in fill-ups. It’s practically a whole new era. There’s an endless list of things to panic about, but I think that overall I’m doing ok. I mean, I’m overemotional and cranky, but not much more than usual. (I’m aware that some of my friends may beg to differ.)

Right now priority one is surviving the remaining days of work, and let me tell you, it’s a strain. This is the most time-consuming job I’ve ever had; it makes my last position look like a piece of cake. In an average week I’m pulling around 55-60 hours of work, between office hours and meetings, committee stuff, staff programs, crisis management, and paper-pushing. Two nights a week I’m home by 6pm–and I CHERISH those days. The rest of the week it’s more like 10:30 or so. Even though things are going to wind down soon, drama after drama keeps erupting over here and making the days feel even longer. I fantasize about five-day weeks and 8-hour days. About commuting. Owning a dog. Sitting in my non-campus apartment grading papers without a duty radio attached to my hip. Freedom! If I can just survive the next thirty days, better times are coming.

In the meantime, here are two things that suck. One, I burned my arm on a light bulb. Don’t ask. Suffice to say it hurts like hell, and I feel like kind of an ass. Two, it’s cold up here again. I know that April is a big tease, but to go from eighty degrees on Friday to a chance of light snow tonight is just cruelty.

And in the interest of balance, I’ll leave you with two things that don’t suck. One: the movie Lars and the Real Girl. If you haven’t seen it, you need to. I’ll grant you that it’s a little optimistic, but that’s what I loved about it. Rent it when you’re having a shitty day and you need to restore your faith in the goodness of people. And two: I made a gorgeous pair of socks (and they’re actually the same size this time!). They’re so beautiful that I’m almost afraid to wear them. Infusing some of my stress and rage into knitting has been a good thing–I may not be able to jab at people with sharp, pointy sticks, but I can sort of act it out on the yarn, and actually create something useful and beautiful at the same time. A fabulous example of turning negative energy into goodness. Everybody should try knitting.

Optimism (with just a touch of dread)

First the dread…well, tomorrow it’s back to work, and bleh. For a while now I haven’t exactly looked forward to work, but I don’t recall ever feeling quite this morose about it. I’m almost queasy. How sad is that? And clearly an indicator that it’s time to move on, but no worries, I’m working on that.

Which gets us into the optimism. First, work…now, nothing is for certain and I’ve been known to change my mind. But things on the career-change front hit a big success marker recently, and I’m pretty sure it’s on the way to working out. So while I really, really am not in the mood for the nonsense that my job often entails, I think I may have just enough chutzpah to survive five more months without either going nuts or turning into a lame-ducker. If I survive I’ll owe a lot to my friends, who already put up with way too much but somehow never let me down.

And there’s some optimism on the home front. To tell the truth, this holiday season was one of the saddest, most dismal in years, with family stress at an all-time high. But somehow I feel like we’ve turned a corner. Things are starting to look up, and I’m working on realizing that most of it is either out of my control or not really my problem. I owe a lot of that perspective to the Vixen, who I was lucky enough to spend some time with. I think she knocked a little sense into my head.

Now this last part is kind of woo-woo, so bear with me. I’ve got a good feeling. It’s like a combination of hope, anticipation, and certainty, and I tell you, I don’t have these very often. Most of the time my premonitions bend in the “oh Jesus, we’re doomed” direction. This is different–it’s a gut feeling. Something big is going to happen this year. Beyond the whole career change thing, too. I think love might be on my horizon. Forgive the Charlotte York-iness of that last statement (sorry, too much Sex and the City over the weekend) but I’m telling you, someone’s waiting around the bend. I know, I know! Hokey! I’m not psychic, and not even particularly superstitious. I don’t have any prospects, not a one. But I somehow just know it. I mean, I’m not saying I’m going to end up married. Maybe I won’t even be in a relationship over the next 12 months…but I think I’m going to meet somebody important. Or figure out that somebody I’ve already met is important. Or something like that. It’s very non-specific. But even though it goes against nearly every cynical, Debbie-downer part of my nature, my instincts are telling me to trust it. Ever get one of those feelings? It’s weird. But in a good way.

Sorry, sorry, I know it’s cheesy. I thought I’d share it with the world (or at least the half-dozen regular readers) because it’s just so out-of-the-ordinary for me. What do you think, am I losing it?

Now it’s time to do the whole night-before-returning-to-work insomnia thing, so I’m out for now. Don’t worry, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to blog more often.

Not so hot

That’s how I’m feeling these days, hence the rather sparse postings. I feel guilty about releasing too much negativity into the universe through this blog, but T-man gave me a scolding last week, and I decided that sharing the lousy stuff is better than sharing nothing at all.

So here we are. I’m feeling lousy because I’m in a slump. I’ve had issues with depression for as long as I can remember, and this is a particularly rough patch. Usually there are a few things that I do that nip it in the bud–get enough sleep, take a quiet weekend, pray, knit, plan for the future. This time none of that is working. Despite my best efforts (I even spent a few hours playing with dogs on Friday night), I can’t pull myself out of the pit. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning, I’ve had a headache for two weeks, I have nightmares. I’m cranky and irrationally pissy. Nobody should have to put up with me in my current state.

The good news is that I’ve isolated the problem: it’s my job. The bad news is that I live my job. Most people can detach. I can’t (literally, physically) do that. Most of the time the rewards of work outweigh the frustrations. These days, not so much. I won’t go into a ton of detail for a couple of reasons–for one thing, it’ll just make my head hurt worse. Suffice to say that I’ve reached a point where some major decisions need to be made, with a more urgent timeline than I’d anticipated.

Blah–there’s a lot on my mind. At least the knitting is going well. My besotted scarf is beautiful, and I’ll put some pictures up soon. I’m also working on a project with some beautiful handpainted laceweight. And Molls has charged me with a super-cool project (can’t wait to finish it and get it to her so I can post some pics).

And while we’re accentuating the positive, I’ll close with some more good news. I just baked a kick-ass apple pie. The Indians are up 2-1 against Boston. Today is payday. And, most importantly, I’m finally heading home for a long weekend. I can’t wait to be back in TX again, even if it’s only for a few days. Lots of Tony time is on the schedule, and I think that’s what I need right now. Babies make it hard to think too much about your own problems, and I could really use a break from mine.

It’s going to be one of those posts.

Grrrr. I’m doing my thing again. It’s been a relatively peaceful summer, with happy times at home, and now it’s time to freak out. Things are changing in my life in a big way–a close friend has moved away, I’m headed to a new assignment, new staff, new supervisor. Work is a little unstable as bad news just seems to keep coming from the north. I haven’t gotten any closer in these weeks to figure out what my next step should be, and when I get home, it’ll all be waiting for me. Change.

Here’s the thing. You’d think a wanderer like me would be totally down with a shakeup. But the reality seems to be that I’m all-or-nothing when it comes to this change stuff. Moving 1500 miles away to a town where I know no one, in a new climate, new part of the country? No problem. Sure, I was nervous, but I was more excited than anything else. But a few tweaks that were decided without my input? Forget it. I guess I’m a change control freak. If I didn’t pick it, didn’t plan it, didn’t decide it, I’m terrified of it. Now don’t get me wrong–I do realize that since there is so little in this world that we can actually pick, plan, and decide with any success, this doesn’t seem like the best way to live. But maybe it’s getting older, maybe it’s the nesting instinct, I don’t know–I just want some damn stability. I want some roots. I want to dig in somewhere, with someone, and start building the kind of security that I never really had.

I know, it’s July, who’s in the mood for deep psychological realizations? Especially when it’s so freaking hot that I can’t spend more than five minutes outside. (Seriously–three years of absence made me forget the misery, and my body is rejecting this hell. Of COURSE I was excited to move to Ohio three Julys ago. Who wouldn’t want to get away from here?) Let’s face it–this is what I do. I’m not in dire circumstances. I have a job, a roof over my head, a supportive family, and a network of friends, and of course I zero right in on what I don’t have. It’s so self-indulgent of me, and if you’re still reading, I thank you for sticking around. You know what thought keeps occurring to me? I keep wondering, what would I be capable of if I wasn’t afraid of failure? What if I just did it–listened to my inner voice, went after the things I’ve always dreamed of doing and didn’t do because I insisted on being practical. Have I ever really taken a chance in my life?

Ick. This is heavy. I need to let it stew for a while.

I go out blogging after midnight

Forgive the title. I just realized it was after midnight and I thought I’d be cute. I’m down in Texas, home of the Alamo, HEB, Halliburton, Taco Cabana, and the Peacegrrl clan. It’s amazing how quickly I change routines when I’m down here. Because I don’t live down here, I get away with a fair amount of craziness when I’m in town. I wear things that I’d never be caught dead in up in Kent…my mom’s purple cardigan, the same t-shirt for four days, etc. I go swimming without feeling the slightest bit self-conscious. When I’m at home, if I don’t have anywhere to be I’ll sleep late and lay around all day. Down here, I’m up by 10 and itching to get out of the house by 10:15. It’s quite an adjustment to go from living completely alone to living with your mother, her neurotic dog, and next door to your VERY pregnant sister and brother-in-law. Speaking of whom, she’s huge, uncomfortable, and basically miserable. My nephew, as of last Wednesday, now weighs 7 pounds, 13 ounces…which was what I weighed when I was born! She’s having a c-section in early July and can’t wait. Me either. It’s amazing to think how much our worlds are going to change when suddenly there’s another member of the family.

So now a little backtracking. In the four days before I left for Texas, there was something like a whirlwind of shakeups. And I’m not even including the Sopranos finale in the mix. First life-altering event: the boyfriend and I broke up. This is no small thing and deserves a lot more reflection than I’m able to give it now, so more on that later. Next, I found out that I’m moving across campus–something I wanted, but still feels a little scary. New staff, new supervisor, new home. Losing the GA I adore. Then I found out that the person replacing me has a DRAMATICALLY different approach to, well, just about everything, than I do. I’m nervous for my old staff because the adjustment isn’t going to be an easy one. And the move itself…well, it terrifies me. I have to get rid of a lot of stuff, pack up my life, crate it across campus and unpack, knowing that I probably won’t be in my new home all that long anyway. Throw into the mix that I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends, who’s leaving for a new job, AND the Cavs got swept. What a week. No wonder I’ve been exhausted since I got off the plane.

So now here I am, in “vacation” mode. It’s not really a vacation, since I’m kind of taking care of everyone (well, at least trying…), but it is a major life shift for me. Mom has arthritis and threw her back out, and sister is eight months pregnant, and remember, this is the South…so suffice to say that things move pretty slowly down here. My pace is dramatically different, I’m restless and uncomfortable with the lack of drama, and I’m already worried about my re-entry. (Hey, I have to worry about something). Bleh. I’m supposed to use this time to chill out, decompress, and reflect. Does anybody know how to do that? Got any pointers?

I’ll stick to the knitting and reading to keep myself occupied and distracted. In knitting news, I finished a felted bag and I’m working on one for Ma…I needed a break from the baby knitting. Speaking of which, it was a hit, especially the hats and the yoda sweater. And once I got down here I realized that I hadn’t brought nearly enough yarn with me…so I ordered so more. It’s a sickness, I’m telling you. As far as the reading goes, once I realized I couldn’t use a Library Thing widget on wordpress, I relied on my extremely limited html knowledge to make a summer reading widget of my own…I do hope you like it.

That’s all for tonight, folks, it’s pushing 1am and time for bed, so I can get my nine hours before the requisite 10am wakeup. Back soon.