Exhaustion

OK, it’s been over a month since I posted, and I’m sending out apologies to anybody who was wondering if I’m still alive. The last few weeks have been…challenging. The slow pace of the summer is over for me, and I can’t seem to clear the cobwebs out of my brain and get rolling again. There are so many things that I’ve left undone that I hardly know where to begin. It feels like a train came by to pick me up for a trip that I hadn’t even packed for yet. And here I am, rolling along at breakneck speed like I do every August, figuring that I’ll find myself again when December rolls around and the wheels finally grind to a temporary halt.

I feel kind of obligated to give some updates, so here goes: visit with father…done, and with no major mishaps or politically-charged arguments. Assload of work to get ready for new learning community…check. It may even end up being successful. Relationship issues…resolved, to an extent. I visited The Boy and got some closure…for now, anyway. Let’s face it. The Boy is a saga, and who knows if it’ll ever truly be over. Suffice to say that the timing is wrong, the maturity levels aren’t aligning, and I’m still convinced that there’s a guy out there who will treat me with a little more respect and sensitivity. For now, and maybe forever, The Boy isn’t that guy. So let’s just say that the major chapters are pretty much completed as far as we’re concerned. And that’s about the sum total of my summer accomplishments. Not too shabby, I suppose, considering I could have spent it

Life is going to get fairly insane sometime in the next few weeks–the students are coming back, I’m carrying a huge workload, and I’ve got two more classes on my plate for the fall. Barring a nervous breakdown, I’m really hoping that I’ll do some growing over the next few months. Feels kinda like another famous Peacegrrl turning point. And, of course, there’s a new guy. Is this just the latest in a string of busts? Or could this one be The Man? It’s way too earlier for any of that. I’m a rebounder at the moment, let’s not forget. And before I start launching into super-crush-mode, it might be useful to attempt to determine whether or not the attraction is mutual (or, at the very least, confirm that he’s actually aware that I exist).

Right now I’m exhausted beyond reason, so that’s all for this post. But I promise to come back again sooner. I’m done with my summer hiatus and will once again spew forth my babbles for all to see!!!

The summer rages on…

So I guess I’ve gotten into a once-a-week posting habit. If I had anything witty or insightful to say, I’d post more often, but unfortunately the lack of interaction with students and the break from classes has turned my brain into mush. Occasionally something comes along to stimulate it…but it’s usually bad news.

I woke up yesterday morning to the tragedy in London. One minute the spotlight is on Africa, and on maybe finally making some changes in this terribly uneven world…and the next we’re lamenting the loss of innocent people and talking about the war on terror again. I’m sickened by all of it. I don’t understand the human bloodlust that leads us to think that we can solve our problems and make things right by killing each other. Doesn’t God get sick of hearing his name invoked for the sake of murder? When are we finally going to say enough is enough? Or will we not have our appetites for mass destruction sated until we’ve completely destroyed each other, and the planet along with us? I’m still young and idealistic enough to believe that there’s no justification for killing people. The lives of fifty Londoners aren’t any more valuable than the lives of a few thousand Iraqi civilians who got in the way of our coalition, are they? It’s awful and wrong and devastating when people kill each other–no matter why.

I’ve got to stop thinking so much about stuff like this. I need to focus on the problems of my own little life instead of lecturing about global issues that I don’t even understand. So let’s change the subject. The big father-daughter reunion is coming up in a few days, and I’m kind of excited, though characteristically dubious and pessimistic. Stuff with The Boy is going pretty well. My cable is back on…but wouldn’t you know it, my thirteen-year-old TV broke, so I’m stuck squinting at my 12-incher until I can save enough money to buy a new one. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

And I think I have a name for the scarf project,thanks to Lauren who talked to an old friend who I thought hated me…maybe not? We’re thinking “That’s A Wrap!” How’s that? Good? Bad? I’ve been knitting away during these summer months, so we even have a small inventory. I kind of wish I could do socks, because I had this idea to call it “Sock it to ALS!”, but unfortunately, while I can handle scarves, hats, and ipod covers, the sock continues to elude me. Anyway, feedback on the name would be helpful, but you’re not allowed to say you hate it unless you can think of something better. Is that fair?

Alrighty, well, I guess if I’m planning to take a week off, I should at least pretend to get a little work done before I go. So that’s all for today…forgive the brief peacegrrl hiatus, but I don’t want to blog from the padre’s computer and have him stumble across it and decide he has an evil uber-left-wing commie for a daughter, leading him to withdraw all parental support. He drives me nuts, but I do love him and feel it best to spare him from my bleeding-heart rhetoric. He’s getting old, and I don’t know if he could take it…
Back soon!
-pg

What exactly do people without cable do?

So yes, I like to be smug and talk about the decline of modern television and how it’s all crap, with a few notable exceptions. But let’s face it–the idiot box is just about always on. I’m not even watching it half the time. I just like the noise. It serves as a nice, steady connection with the outside world. And there’s always The Daily Show and reruns of The West Wing, plus the fact that TNT shows The Breakfast Club just about every weekend. So the last few weeks have not been good. My cable is broken. Some vital piece of fiber-optic technology has become defective, and thus been shipped off to the manufacturer for repair. No one seems to know when it will be back on. I held out hope while I was away in Texas that maybe I’d return to the bliss of sixty-five channels, but alas, it was not to be. Ordinarily I’d escape, go out and shop or read at Borders or hang out with my friends, but I’m sick with this disgusting cough, my second case of bronchitis in the last six months, and I feel too shitty to go anywhere. This sucks! I tried to be optimistic by using the experience as an excuse to catch up on my video-watching, but after five hours of Six Feet Under, along with a few shots of cough medicine, I’m starting to feel way too morose. I long for a few hours of good channel surfing. I’m not ashamed of my dependence on my TV! I grew up in the generation of Family Ties and The Cosby Show, for crying out loud! I need the stuff like I need AIR!

Enough. I haven’t posted in two weeks, and there’s plenty more interesting to talk about than my lack of media sustenance. So for those of you who’ve been holding your breath…yes, The Boy did show up on my doorstep as promised. Contrary to all of my disbelief and pessimism. He does, indeed, seem to be pretty different compared with the the person I said goodbye to last summer. And he seems intent on starting over, or making things right, or something like that. I want to believe that it’s possible, and at the same time I know how jaded I am after all the games and bullshit. So all I can do is hang out and see what happens, take it as it comes, and try not to worry so much about it. I got some answers, and I think they were the ones I was hoping for. That’s a start.

Blah…love, I tell you, what a mess. With all of the walls we put up, and the lies we tell, and games we play, it’s amazing that two people are ever able to plow through all of that and really, truly love each other. I give props to all of the people in my life who’ve managed to find each other and are making it work every day–including the vixen, Alicia, my sister, and Mama Peacegrrl–she and Ed tied the knot on June first. You guys inspire me to believe that it’s okay to open up, and to put away the cynicism and actually trust another person with my heart. And mom most of all, who constantly reminds me in word and deed that amazing things happen to those who are patient and believe that miracles actually happen.

That’s enough sap for a Saturday night, don’t you think? I’ll be back in a few days, with some more recaps and an update on the Scarves for ALS project (somebody HELP, we need a better NAME!) In the meantime, everybody cross your fingers that the cable gods decide to smile upon me…
Peace out!

An interesting observation…

My blogiversary was Sunday–that’s right, one solid year of verbal exhibitionism! And you know what I realized today? My very first post, back on May 22, 2004, was all about The Boy. And my last post, exactly one year later, was about…The Boy. Oh, man, I need to get a more interesting life. I can’t believe that in a few days the boy and I are actually supposed to meet up. If he doesn’t show, then it has to be over. The Boy saga will come to a close. I’ll need to move on for good, to another (hopefully not doomed) romance to babble about. But if he appears as promised…who knows? Even though my anger from the last little incident has faded a little, I maintain that it was a good reality check. I will do my best to make sure good judgement prevails.

Bah! Enough about that sad topic. I’m off to Texas in less than 48 hours, which means I’m frantically doing laundry, packing, and trying to think of stuff I need to buy tomorrow so I don’t end up making a midnight trip to the 24-hour Giant Eagle less than twelve hours before the plane takes off, which is my usual pre-trip thing. It also means that I probably won’t be able to post for a week or two. I know, I always say I’m going to post updates from the home base, but I’m never able to get on Mama Peacegrrl’s computer long enough to string together any interesting thoughts. But I’m sure that when I get back on the 9th, there will be plenty of good updates and tales of humor and mishap.

An update on the knitting/ALS donation project…I’ve contacted the Northern Ohio chapter of ALSA (if you live around here, you should check out their site) and shared the idea, so hopefully I’ll hear something soon. Still need to think of a snappy name–I just can’t think of anything catchy. Any and all ideas are welcome. And thanks to the people who have voiced their support so far, via comments or e-mails or promises to buy a scarf. We’re going to kick some serious ALS ass, I tell you!

Alrighty, it was a long day, and technically the last day of my contract. One year in Ohio gone! Holy cow, where did it go? Anyway, back to the point, I did a lot of working and walking and hanging out with my friends, and now I’m tired and it’s time to check the status of the laundry and take a fabulously hot bath. So I’m out for now. Wish me happy flying, and I’ll be back soon!
-pg
p.s…Not sure if she’s a reader, but here’s a goodbye shout-out to the Ney-ster! I miss you already, sista…guess I’ll need to start wearing out the path between northeast Ohio and KY!

Hiding from the truth

I think I’ve made a big mistake.

I’ve spent the past month or so believing in this fairy-tale notion that The Boy had really changed, that maybe he isn’t such a Boy anymore. Of course I got my badly-needed reality call in the form of a rumor that turned out to be true.

It’s so funny how we choose what we’re going to believe, and base our feelings entirely upon that. It was easy to create a fantasy that things could work out between us–because after a year, all I was left with was the good stuff and the notion that maybe he’d become the man that I knew he could be. There wasn’t a whole lot of reality in the picture I drew in my head. And of course I feel stupid. And of course I hear a voice whispering “I told you so…” For all my rose-colored musings, I still never believed in my heart that things were going to work out. But I SO wanted them to. I so want him to have grown up. Is it wrong to love somebody in spite of their inability to love you back?

Is this the loneliness talking? The ten-month manless drought? Maybe. I keep trying to put God in a box, figuring that he’s kept me waiting because something better is coming, and that something must have been The Boy–look at the evidence: the perfectly-timed phone calls! The message in the fortune cookie (“someone from your past has come to steal your heart”)! But of course it doesn’t work that way. This is another challenge. How can I move on to a mature relationship when I clearly still haven’t moved past this one?

I’ll survive. Maybe I really will see him in just a few days, like he promised. But my feet are back on the ground now. I’m not going to forget who I am, and what I deserve. A man, not a boy.