Things I don’t do

nearly enough of anymore…a list in no particular order:

1. Knit.  I (gasp) haven’t picked up a piece of knitting in something like three weeks now.  Does this make me a bad knitter?
2. Read.  I have a stack of great new books, like this one and the latest Ian McEwan, finally in paperback.  And a few that Vixen has graciously let me borrow.  They are sitting in a perfectly lovely pile on my new Ikea nightstand, just waiting for me…
3. Bake/cook.  I seem to have left all traces of a domestic life behind, regardless of how much I enjoy doing these things.
4. Create.  In spite of a huge stockpile of supplies, I haven’t collaged or scrapbooked or done anything remotely crafty in the last few months, unless you count putting up a few classroom bulletin boards.

There’s one thing, though, that I’m picking back up as we speak, and I’m hoping it will lead me to get back to doing the other things I love:  taking time to reflect.  I think these first few months of teaching were all about getting swept into the whirlwind (quite literally, once Ike hit us).  I was paddling with such intensity to keep my head above the water that I paid no attention to what was really happening in my own life.  I’d like to think I’ve caught my breath a bit, as I’ve settled in and figured out where my time needs to be spent.  Tonight I have no papers to grade, for once I’m not completely exhausted, and it’s only 6:45.  I have so much free time that I hardly know what to do with myself!

And of course, now that I have time to think about it, I’m longing for a soul mate (or at least a reasonable stand-in).  Even though my family (God knows) is around me all the time, I feel so completely isolated.  When I finally do manage to find myself in a relationship, will I have forgotten how intimacy works?  Is it like riding a bike?  Have I become too selfish over the past year?  Who knows.  These are things I’m willing to figure out later.

I hope this post doesn’t sound too new-agey.  I took a few very deep breaths (both literally and figuratively!) this weekend and I feel like I’m getting my bearings again.  I was in the right place at the right time, and my mind was open, and this quote really spoke to me yesterday:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.    -Rumi

I don’t mean to sound like a hallmark commercial, but isn’t that a neat idea?  I can apply it to so many parts of my life–what about the barriers that I build that keep me from loving my family?  My friends?  The space I inhabit (you should see my apartment!!!)?  My SELF?

It’s a lot to think about–I hope I can push myself to make time to do that….

P.S.:  Thanks Corey for the advice, I have put it to good use!  Between walking laps around the building AND recommitting myself to Yoga (or at least trying to, hold me to it, Vixen), my body doesn’t feel like it’s been pulled through a meat grinder at the end of the day anymore.

A decade

So, I’ve been reflecting on the fact that this week is the 10-year anniversary of when I started college. Because I work primarily with first-year students, I’m probably more cognizant of this as a milestone than most folks. I look back on my 18-year-old self, and I wonder, what have I really learned, and what would I do differently knowing what I know now? I’ve come to terms with most of the decisions I’ve made, but I’ll admit that I have one or two regrets.

I’m getting ready to launch into a fresh new year, in a fresh new place, with new staff members and a new supervisor. This will more than likely be my last year in this particular position (or even career?), and even though I feel myself detaching from the mundane every-day-ness of my job–slacking on paperwork, prioritizing based on what I enjoy and I’m good at, rather than on what I should probably be spending my time on–I also have a strong desire to get things right this time around. To push myself to make some kind of impact on the community of students I work with. To meet them where they are and provide the kind of support that will eventually help (even if the results aren’t immediately apparent to me).

So, what do I wish I’d known when I walked onto campus for the first time? A few lessons that leap to mind…

-Time eventually heals everything. No matter how bad it feels right now, the pain will fade.

-You don’t have to have it all figured out from day one–it’s OK to be a junior and not be sure what you want to do with your life. Or a college graduate. Or 28.

-Make choices. The worst that can happen is that you realize you made the wrong ones, and very little in life is impossible to fix or recover from. No sense in hanging in the balance or sitting on the fence–learn to make a decision and feel good about it.

-People are mirrors. Usually what bothers us about them is something that bothers us about ourselves.

What about you? What lessons have you learned, or are you still learning? If you knew then what you know now, would you go back and change any of it?

Breakups and near-misses

I got home a few days ago and remembered, after a five-week vacation from my reality, that I’ve just come through a breakup. Three days before I left for TX, the bf and I called it quits. We were together for 10 months. The breakup was completely mutual, and the truth is, I miss the relationship more than the person. I miss the familiarity, the routine, the coming home to someone. Being held when I was feeling blue. We fell very easily into patterns, and for the most part, we were pretty compatible. But in the end neither of us felt the spark, the pull, the thing that makes you ache for someone else and makes it hard to imagine your life without them.

Now, I’ve given a lot of thought to the notion of a “spark” between two people. My relationship history will bear out that I act on passion much more than on comfort or security. A friend of mine today described it as the age-old choice between “nice guys” and “bad boys.” My past is littered with bad boys. You don’t even have to look very far within this blog to find a great example. Remember The Boy from back on ‘04-’05? That’s documentation of years spent chasing a bad boy. For me it always starts with chemistry, the kind that clouds your judgment (hello, shouldn’t that in itself be a red flag?) and leads you into Very Dangerous Territory. I’m so swept up in passion that I ignore the obvious flaws (he has no visible emotions, he’s a compulsive liar, he’s unemployed…that kind of thing) and the relationship ultimately has nothing to sustain it, and when I finally wake up from the pheromone-induced haze, things end quickly and badly. Bad Boys are proof that too much chemistry is not necessarily a good thing.

When I met the ex, I was concerned initially about the lack of that “stomach-dropping-out” thing. Then I decided that the sensation, while enjoyable, generally led to bad things. So I gave the relationship a chance, and I’m glad I did, even if I found out that a lack of chemistry is nearly as bad as too much. At least things ended nicely, we got out with a fairly minimal amount of pain, and we’re still friends.

And here I am. You know what I’d like to think? I’d like to think that every man doesn’t have to fall into either the “bad boy” or the “nice guy” archetype. Aren’t there men who will light the spark, but still be smart, caring, and ready for a commitment? Isn’t it possible that a nice guy can have a little badness in him? That’s my dream man right there–maybe a gruff exterior, with a surprisingly sensitive streak. Or the opposite, a preppy who my mother would love, with a hidden wild side.

Now for the “near miss” part of this post. Not so very long ago, and regular readers will remember this well, I thought I’d found the perfect man (for me, anyway)–a great mix of intellectualism and simple tastes, someone who I had great chemistry with and strong attraction to, but, amazingly, also appeared to have a nice guy hidden inside. We spent a ton of time together in an undefined relationship that met all of his needs, and few of mine. After way too many months of this, I got tired of chasing the never-to-appear inner nice guy and backed off. But now I’m in post-breakup shock! You know, that period of time when you’re disoriented and feeling icky (even if the breakup went well), and grieving the loss…and tempted to fall right into old patterns. I blame this phenomenon for the two hours I spent with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable this afternoon. I won’t deny how tempting it is to fall right back into the old bullshit, or that the chemistry is still there. I’ll call it a near-miss. I got a quick glimpse, and a few reminders of why I walked away, and I’m going to to my damndest to remember those flaws while I’m in this vulnerable state.

So the peacegrrl quest continues: a bad boy/nice guy hybrid, preferably one with a good job, who’s happy in his life and looking for a hot curvy girl to share it all with. Anybody know someone?

Itchy

Something I’d happily forgotten about Texas summers is the onslaught of bugs. Don’t get me wrong, we certainly have our fair share in Ohio–I get an ant invasion every time the temperature goes below 35 (apparently my basement apartment is quite toasty), and we have these gross fuzzy caterpillar things that spring up all over the place in June. But I’m telling you, down here it’s relentless. Little black gnats, crickets everywhere, and, of course, the mosquitos. And apparently they find me absolutely delicious, because at last count I have about fifteen bites on my feet and ankles. Ick!

In other news, I’m happy to report that my sis and I are speaking again. There was no discussion, no closure, no epiphany on either side. She just called one morning and asked if she could come along on my shopping adventures that day. End of fight. That’s just how it works with the sis. Her temper is like a tropical storm–you see it coming, and yet you’re never quite prepared…and after it blows through, things are so calm you’d never guess anything happened. It’s impossible to hold a grudge, too, especially since the baby has dropped and she walks as though there’s a bowling ball between her legs. I’m telling you, any minute, aunthood! Her next doctor’s appointment is on Monday and I’ll be very surprised if we don’t have a baby by the end of next week.

I’m feeling a little weird at the moment. A lot of things are swirling around in my head and making it extremely difficult to be at peace. To start with, there’s the job. I’ve been doing what I do for six years now, and I’ve learned a lot. I know in my heart it’s time to do something new, but what? My dreams involve things like going back to school for a PhD, starting a small business (a yarn store or a bakery, I think), or freelance writing. My reality, however, includes a car payment, student loan debt, a lack of business sense, and way too little in the savings account.

Second, I’m 28 and single, and my little sister is married and about to have her first child. Now, I don’t regret the choices I’ve made. I could have been married at 22 and on my third kid by now, and I chose freedom and refused to settle. I’ve gone from one dead-end fling to another, then thought I’d found my soulmate, gave up on that, and had a long-term relationship that just ended. I have come to terms with the fact that I only have so much control over when and where I’m going to find what I’m looking for. But shopping for onesies and bottles and knitting away at booties makes me ache more than a little. Perhaps the ache will go away after I change a few diapers or can’t get the kid to stop screaming.

Grr. On to more positive subject matter. I hit my favorite Mexican bakery, Panaderia Arandas, a few days ago…yummmmmm. I most certainly wll be making another trip before I head back north, and I intend to bring along enough deliciousness to stock my freezer and get me through the lean weeks until my next trip home. I may even bring enough for my friends. And I’ve finally loaded up some knitting pictures…granted, I’m not going to win any photography awards, but you get the idea:

This little piece of gorgeousness is my very first cardigan. Of course, it’s only big enough to fit a newborn, but isn’t it swanky? I was so damned excited that I threw in a pair of teeny tiny socks to match. For any knitting fools who might be reading, the pattern is Daisy, by the Yarn Harlot. Yarn: Sirdar Fair Isle, DK weight, 2 skeins (which was more than enough for the sweater and socks, with enough leftover to make a hat), on size 6 needles. The only pain in the butt was the sewing it all together, but don’t those shoulder seams look tidy?

The great thing about baby knitting is the instant gratification…this thing took about a week of evenings, roughly six episodes of Six Feet Under, to knock out. Now, I’ll admit, it’s a bit frilly for a boy. But he’ll outgrow it way before he realizes it. Or he’ll be blessed with great taste.

Next up, the Yoda sweater, which I think I linked to a few posts ago. This one is so cute that I need to figure out how to make one about sixty times bigger for myself. Slightly more complicated (those damn seams!), but it didn’t take long, either. I used RY Cotton Jeans and size 7 needles. Four skeins made the sweater with just enough leftover for a quick hat.

OK, a quick aside: I do realize the obvious, that it is June/July in east Texas, that the idea of a sweater is ridiculous, and that by December they’ll be way too small. And I don’t want to talk about it. There’s a baby coming, so I’m knitting. There’s no actual logic involved.

After these two, a slew of bibs, burp cloths and kimonos from Mason Dixon Knitting, and two hats, I was a little burned out on baby knitting. Now I’m on to felted purses and a shawl, which I’ll share some other time. This post is getting long, I’m getting tired, and my battery is about to poop out. Time to rest.

Hiatus

OK, I know I’ve been gone for a while. A lot of things have gone down since early May, the hardest of which was losing my little nephew on Mother’s day, after just a few hours here on earth. In the midst of the tough times in my family, along with work and some assorted grad school nightmares, it’s been hard to get on here and write. Partly because I’ve made most of my posts so generic and general, so as not to give any intimate details that might later incriminate me should they get into the wrong hands, and partly because it’s hard to find a witty way to relate a lot of what’s been going on. I’ve turned inward these days–thinking about where I am, what I’m doing, what’s next. What’s really important. And while my connections with my friends and family are stronger than they have probably ever been, my blog has taken a bit of a backseat.

So I’m officially putting Peacegrrl’s World on hiatus. For now my blog alterego is on vacation. I’m still around through myspace and instant messenger, so keep in touch! And check back…consider this the pause button. Sooner or later I’m sure that this introspective time will pass, and we’ll return to regular programming.

Thanks for reading!
-pg