Progress

So I hit a bit of a depressive low late last night…all of it, the move, the uncertainty, the rejection, the homesickness, you name it, came crashing down.  Luckily, peacegrrl mom was there to talk me through it.  This morning I woke up to the pouring rain of Edouard (by the way, didn’t they make a big enough deal of that thing?  Yesterday the grocery store was practically wiped out, all over a few hours of rain.  Oh well–at least my sister got a day off out of it…) and decided to start crawling out of my hole.  Since I’m worrying about a bunch of stuff I can’t control, and since feeling badly about myself doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere, I guess I should make a better effort to stop looking four steps ahead and just be.  Why is that so hard?

Anyway, I spent the day organizing and hanging up pictures and actually moving in to this apartment that I was so excited about, and yet have put so little effort into.  And I made serious knitting progress…

Behold…the back is finished!  Forgive the lousy picture-taking, but I was so anxious to show this off that I didn’t put a lot of thought into the photo shoot.  I’m amazed I’m making such progress on my first adult-sized sweater.

And I’m really proud of this…I managed to make the decreases for the armholes without completely assing

up the lace pattern.  Actually, that’s not quite true.  I originally DID ass up the lace pattern.  But then, after some swearing, I ripped everything back and fixed it.  And realized I hadn’t actually fixed it. And ripped it back again.  Luckily, the yarn was able to withstand the abuse.

I love the empire waste and the drape of the lace, but I’m not crazy about the short sleeves that the pattern calls for, so if there’s enough yarn leftover I might make longer, bell-shaped sleeves.  We’ll see.  I’ll just be happy if I can finish the damn thing without major mishaps!

On the man front, I’m doing my best to bounce back from rejection.  Another blind date might be coming up in the near future, and I tried last night to exercise my flirting skills (although I’m not convinced that I’m particularly good at flirting, or noticing when I’m being flirted with, for that matter).  I think part of flirting has to do with knowing that you’re hot, and when you’re feeling not so hot, it doesn’t quite come off.  That’s the part I need to work on.  I hate the way that I (and most women) tie so much of my self-esteem up in the external, instead of paying any attention to what makes me who I am and being okay with that.  It all seems far too dependent on the opinions of others.  And really, what makes me think that a few guys who don’t even know me very well are entitled to make that kind of decision for me?  All of this is very logical, and I want badly not only to believe it, but to practice it.  I guess maybe I really should start yoga again, or find some kind of faith base.  The spiritual part of me is so neglected that I’m starting to doubt nearly everything about myself these days.

Wow, that turned into a tangent.  And a bit of a breakthrough.  What would I be capable of if I just trusted who I am, right now, no changes, just me?  If I actually committed to being who I am, instead of constantly envisioning myself as this better person that I’ll become at some point in the future.  How does one do that?  Any tips?

Do the Hustle

I leave for Texas in exactly one month from today. That means it’s time to haul ass. It’s busy times around here–wrapping up another academic year and closing the buildings, doing the grunt work they dole out for us in the two weeks before our contracts are up, packing up my crap, hyperventilating about gas prices. The last time I moved it didn’t cost $300 in fill-ups. It’s practically a whole new era. There’s an endless list of things to panic about, but I think that overall I’m doing ok. I mean, I’m overemotional and cranky, but not much more than usual. (I’m aware that some of my friends may beg to differ.)

Right now priority one is surviving the remaining days of work, and let me tell you, it’s a strain. This is the most time-consuming job I’ve ever had; it makes my last position look like a piece of cake. In an average week I’m pulling around 55-60 hours of work, between office hours and meetings, committee stuff, staff programs, crisis management, and paper-pushing. Two nights a week I’m home by 6pm–and I CHERISH those days. The rest of the week it’s more like 10:30 or so. Even though things are going to wind down soon, drama after drama keeps erupting over here and making the days feel even longer. I fantasize about five-day weeks and 8-hour days. About commuting. Owning a dog. Sitting in my non-campus apartment grading papers without a duty radio attached to my hip. Freedom! If I can just survive the next thirty days, better times are coming.

In the meantime, here are two things that suck. One, I burned my arm on a light bulb. Don’t ask. Suffice to say it hurts like hell, and I feel like kind of an ass. Two, it’s cold up here again. I know that April is a big tease, but to go from eighty degrees on Friday to a chance of light snow tonight is just cruelty.

And in the interest of balance, I’ll leave you with two things that don’t suck. One: the movie Lars and the Real Girl. If you haven’t seen it, you need to. I’ll grant you that it’s a little optimistic, but that’s what I loved about it. Rent it when you’re having a shitty day and you need to restore your faith in the goodness of people. And two: I made a gorgeous pair of socks (and they’re actually the same size this time!). They’re so beautiful that I’m almost afraid to wear them. Infusing some of my stress and rage into knitting has been a good thing–I may not be able to jab at people with sharp, pointy sticks, but I can sort of act it out on the yarn, and actually create something useful and beautiful at the same time. A fabulous example of turning negative energy into goodness. Everybody should try knitting.

I know.

I’m a hypocrite. I read about seven blogs regularly, and I always get pissy when their owners don’t post regularly. And then I proceed to put something up on here about once a month. It’s sad. I can’t blame it on being busy, either. Have I reached a point where I don’t think I have anything meaningful to say? Me? The person who has something to say about EVERYTHING?

Nah. It’s laziness stemming from stress stemming from a rotten job and impending Major Changes. Lots of stuff is bouncing around in my head right now. What will I knit next? Who will the Democratic presidential candidate nominee be? Do I have high blood sugar? How will I find time to go to the six movies that I want to see? And how will the fourth season of Project Runway shape up? So many fascinating topics, I hardly know where to begin.

I think I’ll just make a list of things that are going well at the moment. (This is always a popular suggestion in therapy.) In no particular order:

1. Fall came along kind of late this year, but the leaves are really gorgeous right now. One of my absolute favorite things about northeast Ohio.

2. I bought the new Terence Blanchard CD a few weeks ago, and it’s incredible. Terence Blanchard is responsible for the great soundtracks in Spike Lee’s movies, and he’s also a talented jazz musician. When I saw When The Levees Broke, Lee’s documentary about the Katrina catastrophe, the music was one of the most striking things about it for me. This CD is Blanchard’s musical reaction to what happened in September of 2005, and maybe the perfect background music for the way I’m feeling these days. Soooo good.

3. I’m reading a great book (Molls let me borrow her copy of Eat, Pray, Love), and doing some great knitting. Here’s a current favorite project:

Isn’t it pretty? It’s the Chevron Scarf from Last Minute Knitted Gifts. Love it. I’m also doing this:

Cables and the softest yarn ever. Good times. I have to wonder, how much crazier would I be these days without knitting?

4. Thanksgiving in two weeks, and my mother promises not to order our turkey dinner from Papa’s Barbecue ever again. (Not that it was bad. It was just…well, tragic, taking our big family feast out of paper bags and plastic cartons.) She even says she’s going to make the mashed potatoes this year. I’m so glad that baby Tony has arrived and re-awakened her maternal/domestic instincts.

That’s not a bad start, I suppose. There’s really a lot of other stuff going down, but I’m not ready to go public with all of it just yet. Suffice to say that my escape plan is starting to take off. That, in itself, is a relief.

More to come. I know you don’t believe me, but I promise…

Not so hot

That’s how I’m feeling these days, hence the rather sparse postings. I feel guilty about releasing too much negativity into the universe through this blog, but T-man gave me a scolding last week, and I decided that sharing the lousy stuff is better than sharing nothing at all.

So here we are. I’m feeling lousy because I’m in a slump. I’ve had issues with depression for as long as I can remember, and this is a particularly rough patch. Usually there are a few things that I do that nip it in the bud–get enough sleep, take a quiet weekend, pray, knit, plan for the future. This time none of that is working. Despite my best efforts (I even spent a few hours playing with dogs on Friday night), I can’t pull myself out of the pit. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning, I’ve had a headache for two weeks, I have nightmares. I’m cranky and irrationally pissy. Nobody should have to put up with me in my current state.

The good news is that I’ve isolated the problem: it’s my job. The bad news is that I live my job. Most people can detach. I can’t (literally, physically) do that. Most of the time the rewards of work outweigh the frustrations. These days, not so much. I won’t go into a ton of detail for a couple of reasons–for one thing, it’ll just make my head hurt worse. Suffice to say that I’ve reached a point where some major decisions need to be made, with a more urgent timeline than I’d anticipated.

Blah–there’s a lot on my mind. At least the knitting is going well. My besotted scarf is beautiful, and I’ll put some pictures up soon. I’m also working on a project with some beautiful handpainted laceweight. And Molls has charged me with a super-cool project (can’t wait to finish it and get it to her so I can post some pics).

And while we’re accentuating the positive, I’ll close with some more good news. I just baked a kick-ass apple pie. The Indians are up 2-1 against Boston. Today is payday. And, most importantly, I’m finally heading home for a long weekend. I can’t wait to be back in TX again, even if it’s only for a few days. Lots of Tony time is on the schedule, and I think that’s what I need right now. Babies make it hard to think too much about your own problems, and I could really use a break from mine.

Where have I been?

Seriously, I feel like I just got myself back. The last week? Ick. Sickness, then cabin fever. Then extreme family stress. And a nightmare situation at work. I felt so awful over the weekend that just leaving the apartment felt like too much to bear, and even if I’d had any energy, I’m pinching every last penny, so retail therapy was not an option.

And then, for whatever reason, I hit Monday night and things went a little crazy. My heart was pounding, I couldn’t sit still, and couldn’t focus enough even to read a magazine article. I was completely exhausted–first full day back at work–but sleep was not happening. Worst of all, I felt scared, wretched, not like myself. It was awful. I don’t know if it was low blood sugar, anemia, or an old-fashioned panic attack, but all was not well.

I’m better now, but still fearful that it’s going to happen again. The bottom line is that I’m not taking care of myself. I don’t eat right, I don’t work out (yoga every two weeks does NOT count), I drink too much caffeine, and I worry. All. The. Time. Something has to change or I’m going to fall apart before I even get a chance to change careers. I’m scared to take a big step in changing the way I treat myself for the better–mainly because I’m afraid I’ll quit halfway in. How sad is that–never even starting because I’m afraid I’ll stop? How do I motivate myself to get going, and trust that I can keep the momentum?

At least my knitting life is happy. I don’t have any pictures to post yet, they’re coming soon, but I’ve been busy with my shawl and the beautiful besotted scarf in water green malabrigo, which is absolutely the most luxurious knitting ever. I want to wrap myself up in this stuff. In fact, I’m trying to slow down my progress, because the pickings in my stash are getting slim (a lot of worsted, a lot of one-skein impulse buys, and way too much dishcloth cotton) and I’m not sure yarn therapy can be worked into the budget. Tomorrow is payday–maybe I can squeeze out a few bucks. Just to take the edge off.

What else? Well, I’m headed to Houston on the 18th, and obviously I can’t wait to see the baby. It’s the one big beacon I’m looking forward to, because October’s shaping up to be one long, blah month. I drew Halloween duty, too. Gross. But I will end on a happy note. The leaves are starting to go through their magical transformation, the apples are harvesting, and pretty soon I’ll be able to take the sweaters out of storage. It’s a hard time, but at least it’s fall. I’m resolved to try and enjoy every minute of it.