Piss.

Well, the euphoria of last Wednesday has definitely given way to serious nastiness. Everything fell apart the next day–the mean parents returned. Work started to suck again. And then, to add insult to injury, my dog died. Today my continued lack of sleep (I wasn’t allowed to take a sleeping pill last night thanks to duty), along with an uncool run-in with this mean crazy woman in one of my classes, led to a total breakdown. I walked into my apartment at five today, quietly proceeded to the bedroom, and absolutely dissolved into a pile of tears. It wasn’t pretty–you know, that snotty-hiccupy kind of crying that is best reserved for privacy. You know how they say grief knocks you on your ass when you least expect it? Well, I think I got my ass-knocking today. After mopping up what was left of my face, I of course had to pull myself together and arrive at the office for an evening of meetings, which has been fun. I’m sure everyone can see that my face looks like a pillow that has been punched in, but thank goodness they’ve kindly refrained from mentioning it. That’s one good thing about a 24-hour a day job…you can’t completely fall apart. You can short-circuit in episodes, but then you need to slap on some concealer and march back into the office to deal with everybody else’s life. And I’m glad, truly I am. I can’t lose it if I never have a chance to.

Really, I’m ok. Everything is just backing up on me. I hope that once I get home and see my family I’ll pull myself together. I hate the drama. I hate feeling like I’m the one to whom all the shitty, quirky stuff happens. And I hate the guilt that comes with feeling like this while knowing how small and inconsequential my little problems really are. I want to wallow, but I’m no good at it. My life doesn’t suck bad enough for wallowing. It’s just a little rough around the edges at the moment, that’s all.

Believe it or not, when I logged into Blogger I was planning to do a rambling post about Philip Seymour Hoffman before I got distracted by how crappy I’m feeling. Did you know that there are no good fan sites about him? Am I the only one in the world who thinks he’s adorable? More on that later, though, because my office hours are up and it’s time to put on a happy face for my 10pm staff meeting. Seriously, this job doesn’t leave nearly enough time for whining.

A good day

It’s happy times in Peacegrrl land today. I know…this is highly unusual. And on a MONDAY, nonetheless. But I just can’t be pissy right now. Here’s why…first, my family escaped Rita without even a power outage. The worst result of the storm for peacegrrl mama was that she said she’d been eating chicken for six days (apparently that’s what they stocked up on…), was sick of chicken, never wanted to see chicken again, but the only restaurant or store open within ten miles was Luther’s, at which there was a 45-minute line, which she stood in, and then proceeded to buy $65 worth of barbeque. That’s my family for you–forget all the other worries of the world. We draw the line when it comes to food!

Second, I had a good weekend. A really good one. That’s all I’ll say. If you’re dying for details, e-mail me

Finally, I came into my office this afternoon and did not have a single nasty message on my voicemail from a student (or worse, a parent) wanting a room change. This is a rare, happy occasion. I have learned to curse the red “you have mail” light on my office phone.

It’s also fall, which is my favorite season. Any morning now, I’ll wake up and go outside, and the air outside will have changed to cool, and then the leaves will turn, and them somebody will burn them in their yard and the air will have that great autumn smell. I guess fall is all about endings–the end of warm weather, summer, the growing season–but I always feel optimistic during September and October. Fall in Ohio is a different world for me. Texas has its own version of fall, maybe not as spectacular as in other places, but we get the cooler days, the smells, and in some spots even the changing leaves. But up here the trees just totally glow before their leaves fall away. The salt bins start appearing all over campus. I can break out the scarf stash. And I relish ever minute of sunlight before the gloomy winter rolls in.

I know, I’m being a little over-poetic. I can’t help it…I’m happy. Or I feel like I’m on the way to happy. The best thing about a new beginning is that there’s no guarantee of how it will turn out…and although you can assume the worst, which is what I’m occasionally prone to do, you can also assume the best. And then enjoy the ride. That’s what my mom and Ed did from the beginning. I feel very compelled to follow their example.
-pg

!!!!!

I honestly can’t believe it. Is God trying to tell us something? Is global warming really THAT out of control? What the hell is happening? I could go on and on about the bigger issues at hand–the thousands of evacuees that found refuge in Houston, who probably feel like the hurricanes are chasing them…the craziness on I-45…the repeat flooding in the Ninth Ward of New Orleans that seems bent on wiping the neighborhood off the map. But what I’m really worried about right now is my own family. They haven’t even had a chance to start grieving the loss of Ed, and suddenly they’re having to board up windows, buy supplies (ha! Between the price gouging and the mass chaos, they were lucky to gather up the bare necessities this week!), plan for a power outage (my mother is an insulin-dependant diabetic, so she’s trying to stock up on ice) and get ready to sit through Rita. At least they’re far enough inland that they didn’t get evacuated, but having survived the Houston flood of 2001, I’m incredibly nervous. Once again, I feel totally helpless from a thousand miles away. Why is all of this happening? Will life ever be normal again? I’m starting to have my doubts.

At least it makes the petty little problems of my life seem a bit less important. The ramblings about my angst over changing friendships and stupid boy problems seem kind of silly right now. I’ve never spent so much time counting my blessings and feeling gratitude for the amount of support the people of my life have provided to me in the last few hellish weeks. In the grand scheme of things, my life is good. Really good. It’s time to seriously dial back the sarcasm and pessimism. At least for a few weeks, anyway.

In the midst of all of the crap going on, unbelievably, my love life seems to be progressing. I think. I’m not sure. I’m leaning on the wisdom I gleaned from He’s Just Not That Into You, and trying not to get too excited. But he really, really seems interested. A pseudo-date is in the works for this weekend. Am I finally headed for a real relationship? Better not get my hopes up…well, maybe a little is ok.

It’s Friday, the first Friday in three weeks that I’m not either at home or taking narcotic pain relievers. I’m hoping there’s a little relaxation involved, but I think I’m probably going to spend most of it glued to the weather channel and waiting to hear from my mom. Let’s hope that Monday doesn’t bring reports of the same kind of misery we saw four weeks ago.
-pg

Peace, finally.

Goodbye, Ed…and thanks for the love and blessings that you brought into my life. I will never, ever, forget you.
-pg