I have to do it again

I hope you’ll indulge me. I’m in the middle of a bit of a crisis, big scary stuff that I’m trying to wrap my head around and find my way out of. It’s a family thing, though not the worst that we’ve survived, but it has led to a lot of bad dreams and stomach pain. This being the holiday season and all, not to mention one of the busiest times in the semester, it is not exactly the best time for personal meltdowns. I’m trying, rather awkwardly, to come up with a way to cope (large amounts of alcohol, while a very convenient method of escape, don’t seem like the healthiest thing, although I’ll admit that before this is over, I may find myself swimming in a bowl of rum-spiked eggnog…). Remembering my blessings seems to help. So I hope you don’t mind the sentimentality or the repeated theme of this post…gratitude.

Some things that I need to remember:

1. I have enough to eat. Did you know that one out of every eight kids under 12 in the US goes to bed hungry every night? That freaks me out. Especially when I think about what I come up with when I clean out my refrigerator. Or what I consumed on Thanksgiving. Whatever else in my life is going to shit, at least I’m full and I’m not malnourished.

2. FEMA is in the process of closing down the trailer parks on the Gulf Coast, trying to get Katrina survivors to move into permanent housing…something that many of them don’t yet have the financial means to do. I am grateful that I don’t have to worry that in a few months I might not have a place to live and nowhere to go.

3. All of the holiday sentiments are pounding in how annoyingly lonely I am right now. It sucks to be at a point in your life when you’re not even sure who the hell you are, but your anxious to share something with someone, even if all you’re really sharing is uncertainty. I am thankful for the strength I mustered up in choosing to wait for the right person rather than settle for the wrong one, even though that would be so very easy. R and I talked about the concept of loving ourselves before we can really be loved fully by anybody else…maybe there’s something to all of that. Maybe our Mr. Wonderfuls are just outside of our view, waiting patiently for us to get our shit together. One can hope.

Thank goodness for faith. When things are falling apart and there doesn’t seem to be a way out, I guess the only thing that keeps me going is that spark of faith that makes me believe that it will turn around, that we’ll find a solution, that we’re going to be ok. My spirituality is a bit of a confused, mixed-up bag at the moment, but my faith is here.

If you do the prayer thing, could you send a few thoughts in the direction of my family? Thanks.

Giving the Thanks

My new book, Happier, emphasizes the importance of gratitude in chapter 1, which is as far as I’ve gotten. So, since I do indeed want to be happier, and it’s certainly seasonally appropriate, here are some things for which I am thankful at this particular moment:

1. Families–both the one that I was lucky enough to be born into, and the one I’ve found a thousand miles away. Both families sustain me, encourage me, challenge me, and make me better, every single day. And I don’t thank them for it nearly enough.
2. Health. I’m not in the world’s best shape, but I’m not falling apart. I have the use of all of my limbs, and all five senses. Despite my attempts to neglect it, my body continues to impress me with its resilience.
3. Freedoms and privileges, both the ones I’m acutely aware of and the ones I never think about.
4. The hundreds of tiny little things that enrich my life, make it more interesting, or otherwise bring me joy. Some examples include Pandora, Ravelry, Nick at Night, bubble bath, yarn shops, my ipod, Panera Bread, the McDonald’s cheeseburger, flannel sheets, Bailey’s Irish Cream, and my nephew’s heavenly baby smell.

My office is silent today, which is OK with me. The cheapest plane ticket I could get has me flying out tomorrow morning, but I’ll be in Texas by 11am and manage to avoid today’s hysteria at the airports. I can’t wait to get home! Safe travels and happy holidays to anyone who’s reading.

I know.

I’m a hypocrite. I read about seven blogs regularly, and I always get pissy when their owners don’t post regularly. And then I proceed to put something up on here about once a month. It’s sad. I can’t blame it on being busy, either. Have I reached a point where I don’t think I have anything meaningful to say? Me? The person who has something to say about EVERYTHING?

Nah. It’s laziness stemming from stress stemming from a rotten job and impending Major Changes. Lots of stuff is bouncing around in my head right now. What will I knit next? Who will the Democratic presidential candidate nominee be? Do I have high blood sugar? How will I find time to go to the six movies that I want to see? And how will the fourth season of Project Runway shape up? So many fascinating topics, I hardly know where to begin.

I think I’ll just make a list of things that are going well at the moment. (This is always a popular suggestion in therapy.) In no particular order:

1. Fall came along kind of late this year, but the leaves are really gorgeous right now. One of my absolute favorite things about northeast Ohio.

2. I bought the new Terence Blanchard CD a few weeks ago, and it’s incredible. Terence Blanchard is responsible for the great soundtracks in Spike Lee’s movies, and he’s also a talented jazz musician. When I saw When The Levees Broke, Lee’s documentary about the Katrina catastrophe, the music was one of the most striking things about it for me. This CD is Blanchard’s musical reaction to what happened in September of 2005, and maybe the perfect background music for the way I’m feeling these days. Soooo good.

3. I’m reading a great book (Molls let me borrow her copy of Eat, Pray, Love), and doing some great knitting. Here’s a current favorite project:

Isn’t it pretty? It’s the Chevron Scarf from Last Minute Knitted Gifts. Love it. I’m also doing this:

Cables and the softest yarn ever. Good times. I have to wonder, how much crazier would I be these days without knitting?

4. Thanksgiving in two weeks, and my mother promises not to order our turkey dinner from Papa’s Barbecue ever again. (Not that it was bad. It was just…well, tragic, taking our big family feast out of paper bags and plastic cartons.) She even says she’s going to make the mashed potatoes this year. I’m so glad that baby Tony has arrived and re-awakened her maternal/domestic instincts.

That’s not a bad start, I suppose. There’s really a lot of other stuff going down, but I’m not ready to go public with all of it just yet. Suffice to say that my escape plan is starting to take off. That, in itself, is a relief.

More to come. I know you don’t believe me, but I promise…