I didn’t mean to

Sorry about that unintended hiatus! I really, really didn’t mean to abandon this blog for so long. I’m not sure what happened. Time just got away from me once I wrapped up my time in Ohio, I guess! It went too fast. It was a whirlwind, and I’d like a few days of it back. I haven’t even really said the proper thank you and goodbyes that are deserved by so many of my friends up north. Before I knew it, Neeners and I were pulling up to my new apartment complex in Houston!

And now I’m here, back in the Lone Star State indefinitely. It’s a lot to get used to. I’ll bring you up to speed on the highlights of my Ohio to Texas transition. Here’s what I’ve been doing, in digest form:

• Surviving the heat. Every day I go to bed absolutely and completely exhausted, regardless of whether I’ve moved sixteen two-ton boxes around the apartment or simply sat on my ass eating Taco Cabana. It’s the damn 100-degree-plus humidity soup that I can’t seem to adjust to. Yet I realize that once mid-January comes and I’m basking in sunlight and my car is free of salt damage, I’ll be grateful for the change in climate.
• Looking for a job. This is a major pain in the ass. You apply, apply, apply, then interview, then call to follow up on the interview. Then start all over again. Some districts want you to call the principals directly. Others tell you not to call anybody at all–just send in the application and hold your breath. Some HR folks are super nice and helpful. Others appear to be very weary of human contact. The good news is that I’ve had several interviews and another coming up in the district I really, really want to work in. The bad news is that since I’m an ACP candidate in a non-critical-needs area (why couldn’t I have been better at science?), the job offers generally don’t start flowing in until late July and even early August. I hate not knowing where I’ll be working in just over a month. I hate having to plant seeds in backup-plan careers, just in case I can’t nail down a teaching job right away. I REALLY hate that I might even end up in a snotty suburban district my first year, just so that I can get my internship done and my permanent certificate. But I’m jazzed to go through my intensive training next week. And working hard to stay optimistic. You know it’s a challenge for me!
• Living with an infant. Baby Tony makes me want a baby of my own, then change my mind, then change it back around six or seven times a day. He’s taking his first steps and we just rocked out his first birthday party! We babysit a few hours a day while peacegrrl sis makes a living, which means I have to keep the knitting needles and yarn FAR away from Tony’s reach, which is no easy feat. But he gives me a good workout, and he really is ridiculously cute. I’m glad I’m just down the road, instead of a plane ride away.
• Living with my family…now that’s more complicated. It’s great having people around who care about you, it really is. My mom and I are roommates, and it’s the first time I’ve lived with her (or anybody else, for that matter!) in more than a decade. I like having company, and cooking for two (or five, since we have family gatherings a few nights a week). And yet. There was SOOO much I loved about living alone–the quiet. Nobody having an opinion about the choices I make. Being able to hop in the car and go anywhere without accounting for my whereabouts. It’s a major, major adjustment. Plus there’s my sister, who isn’t afraid to tell me how wrong I am about just about everything at any given time. And my obnoxious aunt, who, luckily, we manage to avoid most of the time. My brother-in-law is a quiet, calming influence over all of us, and Tony provides the entertainment. So really, it’s a good thing, being down here and close to my family. But I’m so used to being on my own that I hardly know what to do with so much support/criticism/suffocating love/etc.
• And on top of everything else, of course, I’m missing my friends. I miss our weekly gatherings and our bitching sessions. The great thing about moving thousands of miles away from your family is the surrogate family you inevitably find, and I have one amazing group of friends. There are so many things I want to thank them for that I’m overwhelmed and haven’t been able to articulate any of it. I can’t wait to visit and catch up, even though it’s only been just over a month, and even though, of course, it won’t be the same–so many of us have branched out and gone off to other things that I’ll have to visit a few states in order to touch base with everybody. But even that’s pretty cool, and something I love about my former profession–people scatter, which is hard, but then you have friends all over the country, so practically wherever you find yourself, there’s somebody within 100 miles you can meet up with.

So you see, in the midst of all that’s going on and my characteristic resistance to major changes (and damn, I sure piled on a bunch of them this summer, didn’t I?) I’m managing to stay relatively upbeat. I start my teaching classes next week, and then a few interviews after that, so I’ll have updates soon. Forgive my erratic postings, and keep reading!

Grrr.

I know, I said I’d post more often and then I disappeared for more than a month. I’ll tell you the truth: I’m trying to avoid the temptation to use this blog as a place to rant, rave and vent. But I suppose it’s my blog, and I should be able to cry if I want to. So.

First thing: dog blues. Peacegrrl mama and sis are moving to a new place and my puppies can’t go along. Anybody who knows me knows that my dogs are part of my family, and even though they’ve both gone to amazing new homes…it hurts. Just wish I’d been able to say goodbye.

Next: ex-boyfriend and his need to tell me all about his new relationship. We broke up on great terms and have been friends ever since, so we get together every few weeks. Last night I knew something was up and I was waiting for it, while simultaneously willing him to keep his mouth shut. I just didn’t need to hear it, you know? Especially on the verge of this piece-of-shit holiday, after months of celibacy, and so lonely I could scream. I made it clear that my emotional state wasn’t the best and that I’ve been going through a lot in the past few weeks. But he just HAD to share. Piss. Ladies, I know you understand. I don’t want him back–but why does HE get the happy new relationship and I get…more solitude? Infantile jealousy. It sucks.

But…all is not lost. I did get to go to a great conference last weekend, all about purpose and trusting your inner voice (which I notoriously suck at). It’s helped me to stay somewhat centered in the midst of chaos. And even better. Dods and I are off to Washington, DC next weekend for no good reason. We’re just heading down there because we can, and because I’ve never been…and it won’t always be a six-hour drive for me. Very excited! It’s fun to have something to look forward to.

And now to change subjects completely: time for some politics. I’m going this route for a couple of reasons: one, to share my excitement, and two, to share my irritation.

You may have heard that I lean a bit to the left. Just a tad. And I blogged several years ago about the invigoration of Obama’s ‘04 Dem Convention speech, and then a little later about my fear that he was too young and inexperienced to get into an ‘08 race. Well…he convinced me. I guess I’m more optimistic than I ever thought, because when I listen to him talk about his hopes for this country, his belief in cooperation and tenacity, and his plans, free of the dirt that tends to cling to you when you’ve been in Washington too long…I just get motivated. For once I believe the words that are coming out of a politician’s mouth. Many others have said it all much better than I could. But in any case(though I recognize I don’t carry the weight of, say, Oprah or the Kennedys), I’m throwing my endorsement to Obama this time around.

And here’s what pisses me off. The same thing that probably pisses A LOT of folks off. People are telling me that I’m not a true feminist because I don’t want to vote for HRC. That my urge to support Obama comes from internalized sexism and an acceptance of misogyny, and that though I call myself a feminist, I’m not really comfortable with the idea of a woman as president. I don’t know about you, but i just HATE being told how I feel, or why I feel the way I do. I thought feminism was about finding our voices and not being afraid to speak our truths. Why can’t I be a true feminist and vote for Obama? Are my ovaries supposed to guide my political decision making? I don’t have any hatred or ill-will for Clinton, and if she’s the nom, I will more than likely vote for her. But the simple fact is, I believe she’s divisive, and I have a hard time trusting her BASED ON HER OWN RECORD, not because she has a vagina. I think Obama is the better candidate to move us forward, to shake off the nastiness and dishonesty of the last eight years. So there!

I don’t expect everyone who reads this blog to align with me politically, but I hope that if you’re reading, you’re going to vote (or you already have) in your state’s primary, regardless of when it is. As a woman I try very hard to remember how bitter the fight was to give me that right, and to pay the respect owed to those who made sure I had it. Not to mention that I think letting your voice be heard is essential to the notion of community. (Shit, I’m starting to sound like my old boss. Let’s end it there…)

I’ll try to come back soon–there’s a lot of knitting rambling I want to do. So as always, thanks for continuing to bear with me!

Optimism (with just a touch of dread)

First the dread…well, tomorrow it’s back to work, and bleh. For a while now I haven’t exactly looked forward to work, but I don’t recall ever feeling quite this morose about it. I’m almost queasy. How sad is that? And clearly an indicator that it’s time to move on, but no worries, I’m working on that.

Which gets us into the optimism. First, work…now, nothing is for certain and I’ve been known to change my mind. But things on the career-change front hit a big success marker recently, and I’m pretty sure it’s on the way to working out. So while I really, really am not in the mood for the nonsense that my job often entails, I think I may have just enough chutzpah to survive five more months without either going nuts or turning into a lame-ducker. If I survive I’ll owe a lot to my friends, who already put up with way too much but somehow never let me down.

And there’s some optimism on the home front. To tell the truth, this holiday season was one of the saddest, most dismal in years, with family stress at an all-time high. But somehow I feel like we’ve turned a corner. Things are starting to look up, and I’m working on realizing that most of it is either out of my control or not really my problem. I owe a lot of that perspective to the Vixen, who I was lucky enough to spend some time with. I think she knocked a little sense into my head.

Now this last part is kind of woo-woo, so bear with me. I’ve got a good feeling. It’s like a combination of hope, anticipation, and certainty, and I tell you, I don’t have these very often. Most of the time my premonitions bend in the “oh Jesus, we’re doomed” direction. This is different–it’s a gut feeling. Something big is going to happen this year. Beyond the whole career change thing, too. I think love might be on my horizon. Forgive the Charlotte York-iness of that last statement (sorry, too much Sex and the City over the weekend) but I’m telling you, someone’s waiting around the bend. I know, I know! Hokey! I’m not psychic, and not even particularly superstitious. I don’t have any prospects, not a one. But I somehow just know it. I mean, I’m not saying I’m going to end up married. Maybe I won’t even be in a relationship over the next 12 months…but I think I’m going to meet somebody important. Or figure out that somebody I’ve already met is important. Or something like that. It’s very non-specific. But even though it goes against nearly every cynical, Debbie-downer part of my nature, my instincts are telling me to trust it. Ever get one of those feelings? It’s weird. But in a good way.

Sorry, sorry, I know it’s cheesy. I thought I’d share it with the world (or at least the half-dozen regular readers) because it’s just so out-of-the-ordinary for me. What do you think, am I losing it?

Now it’s time to do the whole night-before-returning-to-work insomnia thing, so I’m out for now. Don’t worry, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to blog more often.

I have to do it again

I hope you’ll indulge me. I’m in the middle of a bit of a crisis, big scary stuff that I’m trying to wrap my head around and find my way out of. It’s a family thing, though not the worst that we’ve survived, but it has led to a lot of bad dreams and stomach pain. This being the holiday season and all, not to mention one of the busiest times in the semester, it is not exactly the best time for personal meltdowns. I’m trying, rather awkwardly, to come up with a way to cope (large amounts of alcohol, while a very convenient method of escape, don’t seem like the healthiest thing, although I’ll admit that before this is over, I may find myself swimming in a bowl of rum-spiked eggnog…). Remembering my blessings seems to help. So I hope you don’t mind the sentimentality or the repeated theme of this post…gratitude.

Some things that I need to remember:

1. I have enough to eat. Did you know that one out of every eight kids under 12 in the US goes to bed hungry every night? That freaks me out. Especially when I think about what I come up with when I clean out my refrigerator. Or what I consumed on Thanksgiving. Whatever else in my life is going to shit, at least I’m full and I’m not malnourished.

2. FEMA is in the process of closing down the trailer parks on the Gulf Coast, trying to get Katrina survivors to move into permanent housing…something that many of them don’t yet have the financial means to do. I am grateful that I don’t have to worry that in a few months I might not have a place to live and nowhere to go.

3. All of the holiday sentiments are pounding in how annoyingly lonely I am right now. It sucks to be at a point in your life when you’re not even sure who the hell you are, but your anxious to share something with someone, even if all you’re really sharing is uncertainty. I am thankful for the strength I mustered up in choosing to wait for the right person rather than settle for the wrong one, even though that would be so very easy. R and I talked about the concept of loving ourselves before we can really be loved fully by anybody else…maybe there’s something to all of that. Maybe our Mr. Wonderfuls are just outside of our view, waiting patiently for us to get our shit together. One can hope.

Thank goodness for faith. When things are falling apart and there doesn’t seem to be a way out, I guess the only thing that keeps me going is that spark of faith that makes me believe that it will turn around, that we’ll find a solution, that we’re going to be ok. My spirituality is a bit of a confused, mixed-up bag at the moment, but my faith is here.

If you do the prayer thing, could you send a few thoughts in the direction of my family? Thanks.

On the road again

The title of this post isn’t really accurate, since I’m flying, not driving, but “in the sky again” sounds dumb, so there you have it. Yup, I’m packing up and heading back to Ohio tomorrow afternoon. It’s hard to believe I’ve been down here for five weeks, and harder to believe that in about two, I’ll be back at work. Bleh. Let’s not think about that now.

First, some knitting updates…

I’ve been on a felting frenzy. It’s the squatty sidekick again…on top, my sister’s, with bargain Knitpicks Wool of the Andes (seriously, this thing cost less than $5 in yarn and buttons); on the bottom, my mom’s slightly more upscale version made with Berroco Peruvia. This pattern is so clever and easy, I wish I’d thought it up. I could make a killing selling these things if it weren’t for copyright restrictions and, well, ethics. Anyway, let me know if you want one, since apparently this is my new thing.

Second: I’m finally on Ravelry. Fellow knitting nerds will understand what a big deal this is. If you’re raveling, come see me, I’m peacegrrl. I will be able to divert the majority of my technical knitting content over there, so I won’t bore my non-knitting buddies with pattern and yarn info unless you ask for it. But I’ll still babble about it and post photos, because I’m a nerd, and nerds have trouble compartmentalizing their hobbies. Hope that’s ok!

I’m not going to go into how tough it will be to say goodbye to Tony and the rest of my family tomorrow. Too emotional. Tonight I’m going to chill with my dog, hang with Mom, pack at the last possible moment (as always…one time, after a nine-hour, delayed-layover-in-Chicago flight, my clothes were still warm after I unpacked–I had literally moved them from the dryer to my suitcase. It was kind of cool.), stay up too late so I can sleep on the plane, and not worry. SO sick of worrying. Until I figure out what my next move is, I need to take a look at what’s happening now. I’m going to try, anyway.