Where have I been?

Seriously, I feel like I just got myself back. The last week? Ick. Sickness, then cabin fever. Then extreme family stress. And a nightmare situation at work. I felt so awful over the weekend that just leaving the apartment felt like too much to bear, and even if I’d had any energy, I’m pinching every last penny, so retail therapy was not an option.

And then, for whatever reason, I hit Monday night and things went a little crazy. My heart was pounding, I couldn’t sit still, and couldn’t focus enough even to read a magazine article. I was completely exhausted–first full day back at work–but sleep was not happening. Worst of all, I felt scared, wretched, not like myself. It was awful. I don’t know if it was low blood sugar, anemia, or an old-fashioned panic attack, but all was not well.

I’m better now, but still fearful that it’s going to happen again. The bottom line is that I’m not taking care of myself. I don’t eat right, I don’t work out (yoga every two weeks does NOT count), I drink too much caffeine, and I worry. All. The. Time. Something has to change or I’m going to fall apart before I even get a chance to change careers. I’m scared to take a big step in changing the way I treat myself for the better–mainly because I’m afraid I’ll quit halfway in. How sad is that–never even starting because I’m afraid I’ll stop? How do I motivate myself to get going, and trust that I can keep the momentum?

At least my knitting life is happy. I don’t have any pictures to post yet, they’re coming soon, but I’ve been busy with my shawl and the beautiful besotted scarf in water green malabrigo, which is absolutely the most luxurious knitting ever. I want to wrap myself up in this stuff. In fact, I’m trying to slow down my progress, because the pickings in my stash are getting slim (a lot of worsted, a lot of one-skein impulse buys, and way too much dishcloth cotton) and I’m not sure yarn therapy can be worked into the budget. Tomorrow is payday–maybe I can squeeze out a few bucks. Just to take the edge off.

What else? Well, I’m headed to Houston on the 18th, and obviously I can’t wait to see the baby. It’s the one big beacon I’m looking forward to, because October’s shaping up to be one long, blah month. I drew Halloween duty, too. Gross. But I will end on a happy note. The leaves are starting to go through their magical transformation, the apples are harvesting, and pretty soon I’ll be able to take the sweaters out of storage. It’s a hard time, but at least it’s fall. I’m resolved to try and enjoy every minute of it.

Lots of stuff

So I know I’ve been slacking with the whole blog thing lately, and I’m sorry. But to tell you the truth, it’s mainly because I can’t find anything happy to write about and I’m tired of being a downer. I think my life is turning into the book of Job or something. Ed died. A week later, my dog died. Three weeks after that, my aunt had a stroke. And now my sister’s in this relationship that has turned abusive. What more could happen? I keep saying it can’t get any worse, and then it does. I try to have faith, and then everything falls apart and it’s hard for me to hang on to any sort of optimism. I’m sick of dealing with one catastrophe after another, and sick of being alone in the midst of all of it. And now I’m starting to sound really whiny, so that’s it–end of subject.

I know I haven’t gone on in a while about guys, mainly because there have been way more important things to worry about, but rest assured, the peacegrrl manhunt continues. I think some progress has been made. I hope. I’m taking it slow. I think that the whole game we play when we’re attracted to somebody is really pretty ridiculous, but I guess that’s what separates us from the animals. Since I’m trying to enter the world of the emotionally mature relationship, I’m thinking patience is pretty important. Wish me luck.

So I had this totally fall weekend–I went to the apple orchard with my buddy islegavia and we baked pies all afternoon on Sunday. We were feeling very domestic. The leaves are really changing now, so it was beautiful at the orchard. But today it’s feeling a lot more like winter, and we might even get a little snow this week–ick. I’m not ready for six months of darkness yet! I guess it’s time to break out the flannel sheets and the long underwear. I feel like a seasoned veteran, having survived one northeast Ohio winter. At least this year I’m prepared for the misery. And it’s almost cookie-baking time…mmm. Man, I’m starting to sound like betty crocker. Well, if the way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach, hopefully I’ll have them chasing me, right?

Right, so there wasn’t much of a focus to this entry. Sorry about that. I promise I’ll try to stop sounding like Debbie Downer and post more often. Send me some positive energy.
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A good day

It’s happy times in Peacegrrl land today. I know…this is highly unusual. And on a MONDAY, nonetheless. But I just can’t be pissy right now. Here’s why…first, my family escaped Rita without even a power outage. The worst result of the storm for peacegrrl mama was that she said she’d been eating chicken for six days (apparently that’s what they stocked up on…), was sick of chicken, never wanted to see chicken again, but the only restaurant or store open within ten miles was Luther’s, at which there was a 45-minute line, which she stood in, and then proceeded to buy $65 worth of barbeque. That’s my family for you–forget all the other worries of the world. We draw the line when it comes to food!

Second, I had a good weekend. A really good one. That’s all I’ll say. If you’re dying for details, e-mail me

Finally, I came into my office this afternoon and did not have a single nasty message on my voicemail from a student (or worse, a parent) wanting a room change. This is a rare, happy occasion. I have learned to curse the red “you have mail” light on my office phone.

It’s also fall, which is my favorite season. Any morning now, I’ll wake up and go outside, and the air outside will have changed to cool, and then the leaves will turn, and them somebody will burn them in their yard and the air will have that great autumn smell. I guess fall is all about endings–the end of warm weather, summer, the growing season–but I always feel optimistic during September and October. Fall in Ohio is a different world for me. Texas has its own version of fall, maybe not as spectacular as in other places, but we get the cooler days, the smells, and in some spots even the changing leaves. But up here the trees just totally glow before their leaves fall away. The salt bins start appearing all over campus. I can break out the scarf stash. And I relish ever minute of sunlight before the gloomy winter rolls in.

I know, I’m being a little over-poetic. I can’t help it…I’m happy. Or I feel like I’m on the way to happy. The best thing about a new beginning is that there’s no guarantee of how it will turn out…and although you can assume the worst, which is what I’m occasionally prone to do, you can also assume the best. And then enjoy the ride. That’s what my mom and Ed did from the beginning. I feel very compelled to follow their example.
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