Not so hot

That’s how I’m feeling these days, hence the rather sparse postings. I feel guilty about releasing too much negativity into the universe through this blog, but T-man gave me a scolding last week, and I decided that sharing the lousy stuff is better than sharing nothing at all.

So here we are. I’m feeling lousy because I’m in a slump. I’ve had issues with depression for as long as I can remember, and this is a particularly rough patch. Usually there are a few things that I do that nip it in the bud–get enough sleep, take a quiet weekend, pray, knit, plan for the future. This time none of that is working. Despite my best efforts (I even spent a few hours playing with dogs on Friday night), I can’t pull myself out of the pit. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning, I’ve had a headache for two weeks, I have nightmares. I’m cranky and irrationally pissy. Nobody should have to put up with me in my current state.

The good news is that I’ve isolated the problem: it’s my job. The bad news is that I live my job. Most people can detach. I can’t (literally, physically) do that. Most of the time the rewards of work outweigh the frustrations. These days, not so much. I won’t go into a ton of detail for a couple of reasons–for one thing, it’ll just make my head hurt worse. Suffice to say that I’ve reached a point where some major decisions need to be made, with a more urgent timeline than I’d anticipated.

Blah–there’s a lot on my mind. At least the knitting is going well. My besotted scarf is beautiful, and I’ll put some pictures up soon. I’m also working on a project with some beautiful handpainted laceweight. And Molls has charged me with a super-cool project (can’t wait to finish it and get it to her so I can post some pics).

And while we’re accentuating the positive, I’ll close with some more good news. I just baked a kick-ass apple pie. The Indians are up 2-1 against Boston. Today is payday. And, most importantly, I’m finally heading home for a long weekend. I can’t wait to be back in TX again, even if it’s only for a few days. Lots of Tony time is on the schedule, and I think that’s what I need right now. Babies make it hard to think too much about your own problems, and I could really use a break from mine.

Big happenings

Whew…what a week.

This handsome gentleman, weighing in at a whopping 9 pounds, 11.4 ounces, is my nephew Antonio. He arrived at 7:49 Monday morning with a full head of hair and a big appetite. Needless to say, we’re all smitten.

I think he likes me. If so, the feeling is definitely mutual. He was in the NICU for a few days for his blood sugar problems, where he looked like a giant compared to his preemie neighbors. But today everybody was cleared for departure, so our days of shuttling back and forth to the women’s hospital are finally over.

Ah, babies. At 28, I know I’ve still got plenty of time. And after observing my sister’s problems, most of which are hereditary and will probably bless me, as well, I’m not so sure I’m in the biggest hurry. One thing is for certain: I need to find a partner as amazing as my sister’s husband. He thinks fast in a crisis, knows when to crack a good joke, and can ride through even the worst of mood swings without breaking a sweat. Most importantly, he loves my sis more than just about anything, and lets her know it in every way imaginable. What a man. I want one of those.

The only other real news is that this morning I realized, with a sinking feeling, that in a few weeks, I’m going back to work. So far my tentative summer job search has yielded no results. And the stomachache I got earlier tells me that I’m not exactly jazzed about returning to my job or moving to my new location. By making the choice to take the summer off and spend it at home, I’ve limited my financial options to the point that taking this gig for one more year is really my only choice. I just need to start feeling good about it. Anybody know how to do that?

Here, let’s look at some knitting pictures to feel better:

Ahh, it’s my first squatty sidekick, pre-felting…

and after a bath in the washing machine (next to a copy of Big Girl Knits for scale). I used a skein and a half of Plymouth Galway Paint in colorway 802, added about ten rows to the middle and a few inches to the handle, and it took all of an afternoon to kick out. I’ve already made two more for my mom and sister, who are mystified by the art of felting. Best of all, it’s my new favorite purse–it holds just enough and can be banged around without damage. And it was as easy to knit as a dishcloth. Seriously.

I feel much better now–time for bed.

Quickie

OK, a few quick things: first, I’m messing around with the blog and changing some widgets, so if it looks like crap, be patient. And any input about the layout is, as always, appreciated. Second: we spent the day at the hospital, but no baby yet! He’ll be here on Monday morning (the predictability of a C-section delivery is so handy). And let me tell you, nothing kicks up the hormones more than a day spent in the labor and delivery unit. New babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. So basically, I’m exhausted and don’t have the energy to say much more, but I’ll be back with updates and maybe even a few baby pics in just a few days!

I go out blogging after midnight

Forgive the title. I just realized it was after midnight and I thought I’d be cute. I’m down in Texas, home of the Alamo, HEB, Halliburton, Taco Cabana, and the Peacegrrl clan. It’s amazing how quickly I change routines when I’m down here. Because I don’t live down here, I get away with a fair amount of craziness when I’m in town. I wear things that I’d never be caught dead in up in Kent…my mom’s purple cardigan, the same t-shirt for four days, etc. I go swimming without feeling the slightest bit self-conscious. When I’m at home, if I don’t have anywhere to be I’ll sleep late and lay around all day. Down here, I’m up by 10 and itching to get out of the house by 10:15. It’s quite an adjustment to go from living completely alone to living with your mother, her neurotic dog, and next door to your VERY pregnant sister and brother-in-law. Speaking of whom, she’s huge, uncomfortable, and basically miserable. My nephew, as of last Wednesday, now weighs 7 pounds, 13 ounces…which was what I weighed when I was born! She’s having a c-section in early July and can’t wait. Me either. It’s amazing to think how much our worlds are going to change when suddenly there’s another member of the family.

So now a little backtracking. In the four days before I left for Texas, there was something like a whirlwind of shakeups. And I’m not even including the Sopranos finale in the mix. First life-altering event: the boyfriend and I broke up. This is no small thing and deserves a lot more reflection than I’m able to give it now, so more on that later. Next, I found out that I’m moving across campus–something I wanted, but still feels a little scary. New staff, new supervisor, new home. Losing the GA I adore. Then I found out that the person replacing me has a DRAMATICALLY different approach to, well, just about everything, than I do. I’m nervous for my old staff because the adjustment isn’t going to be an easy one. And the move itself…well, it terrifies me. I have to get rid of a lot of stuff, pack up my life, crate it across campus and unpack, knowing that I probably won’t be in my new home all that long anyway. Throw into the mix that I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends, who’s leaving for a new job, AND the Cavs got swept. What a week. No wonder I’ve been exhausted since I got off the plane.

So now here I am, in “vacation” mode. It’s not really a vacation, since I’m kind of taking care of everyone (well, at least trying…), but it is a major life shift for me. Mom has arthritis and threw her back out, and sister is eight months pregnant, and remember, this is the South…so suffice to say that things move pretty slowly down here. My pace is dramatically different, I’m restless and uncomfortable with the lack of drama, and I’m already worried about my re-entry. (Hey, I have to worry about something). Bleh. I’m supposed to use this time to chill out, decompress, and reflect. Does anybody know how to do that? Got any pointers?

I’ll stick to the knitting and reading to keep myself occupied and distracted. In knitting news, I finished a felted bag and I’m working on one for Ma…I needed a break from the baby knitting. Speaking of which, it was a hit, especially the hats and the yoda sweater. And once I got down here I realized that I hadn’t brought nearly enough yarn with me…so I ordered so more. It’s a sickness, I’m telling you. As far as the reading goes, once I realized I couldn’t use a Library Thing widget on wordpress, I relied on my extremely limited html knowledge to make a summer reading widget of my own…I do hope you like it.

That’s all for tonight, folks, it’s pushing 1am and time for bed, so I can get my nine hours before the requisite 10am wakeup. Back soon.

Auntie Peacegrrl?

So the big news for the year is…I’m going to be an aunt! It’s all very unexpected, but sister peacegrrl is due on September 28th. I’m extremely jazzed. I think being the spoiling eccentric aunt will be awesome. And when the baby starts to smell or get annoying, I can just give her back! Of course this is me putting a positive spin on the fact that I’m a little jealous that my sister, who is three years younger, is quite a bit ahead of me in terms of the whole “settled down life” thing. I’m still chasing after the crush (although developments may be pending, stay tuned!), and STILL pondering whether or not to do the online dating meat market. My life follows a very predictable pattern, I tell you.

So outside of that big news, not much has been happening in frigid Ohio. Working, taking classes (anthropology is kicking my ass, but extremely interesting!) and knitting away. Only now I have a real knitting mission: baby clothes. Awesome. I’m teaching a six-week workshop this semester, too, which is fun. Every time I teach, I get nervous about it, and then once I get in there, I love every minute of it. Maybe that’s my calling. I have no idea. Last night someone put a brutal truth in front of me about the realities of what I really want to do with my life, and it’s making me think. Perhaps by working sixty hours a week and taking classes, I have built such a wall around myself that there’s no WAY for a guy to find me, let alone time to pursue a meaningful relationship. Maybe I’m spending so much time trying to get ahead, get educated, get experience, that I’m missing my life.

Too deep. I need to relax. It’s a Project Runway night, and they’re down to the last four. BIG excitement. I love Wednesday nights.
-pg