Peacegrrl Returns

Inward

peacegrrl — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 02:44:42 +0000

So here’s the long and short of what’s been going on with me for the past two weeks or so: teaching, home, sleep, repeat. Throw in lots of dog-walking and a few visits to the hospital to see my aunt, and you’ve pretty much got the whole story.

Things at work are tough—regardless of how much I love my students (most of the time) or how much learning I want to accomplish, every day I learn a little more about how unimportant teaching is to the people in charge. They want numbers, paperwork, statistics, and whatever else they can get to make themselves sound good. The teaching, I’ve discovered, is secondary to all of that. I can’t hold students accountable because I’m not allowed to give them the grades they earn (that’s a long, long story…google “Texas SB 2033″ for more on that shit.). I can’t set high expectations for achievement because I’m not allowed to adhere to them (for example, I’m required by district policy to take late work no matter how late it is…which essentially defeats the purpose of a due date…). And that’s just the beginning. I don’t want to be disillusioned about this career. Because it’s my second one. Because I believe in teaching. Because the students deserve the best that I can give. I chose an inner-city school because I wanted to work with kids who desperately need good teachers. And I expected the kids to be tough, yes. I just didn’t expect the administration to be so willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how unethical or contrary to the purpose of education, to yank up its numbers and make itself appear to be doing better than it is. Is No Child Left Behind to blame for all of this? Where does this problem even start? I want to be a part of the solution, but I have no clue where to begin.

So I’ve been a bit drained in the evenings, and haven’t found a lot of time (in the midst of my zoning out and dog-walking) to discuss anything intelligently. There are a lot of questions floating around in my head at the moment (for instance, what should I be learning from all of the mini-disasters that have been popping up in my life lately? Am I doing the right thing with my life? Will I ever find some sense of balance? Am I merely infatuated, or is love on the horizon?) that are certainly worthy of a post or two, and my hope is that this weekend (all three days of it!) I’ll get enough rest and free time to do some catching up. In the meantime, forgive my brevity, but it’s almost 9pm and my bedtime is quickly approaching…

Elections for sale, and a return to nerd-dom?

peacegrrl — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 01:46:47 +0000

So, when the conservative-majority Supreme Court made this ruling last week, the first thing I worried about was the idea of oil companies and health insurance conglomerates pouring their billions into controlling the upcoming mid-term elections. But I didn’t even think about the implications this decision could have in terms of weight discrimination. This post from the F-word sheds some light. There’s also some info about Rep. Grayson’s proposed legislation that would reign in the scary potential that comes with giving corporate interests free reign over the political system. Check it out if you have a chance.

On to less weighty matters… I’m tossing around the idea of going back to school. Never mind the fact that I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it, no idea what I want to study, and no idea how I’m going to muster up the energy to attend classes when I’m ready to drop when I come home every day. I’m a nerd by nature, and a nerd not in school will eventually get restless. I’m thinking about another master’s degree, because it seems to be the most practical approach. Maybe library science? Back to English? Part of me thinks about taking on something in the social sciences or going back to counseling. I definitely don’t want a K-12 EdAdmin degree, because I have no desire to become part of the administrative machine that makes my job such a pain in the ass. I didn’t become a teacher so I could use it as the launch-pad for a better paying career in K-12 bureaucracy, and one of the things that bugs me about my job is that I’m surrounded by a lot of people who did. I do worry that too many people, including teachers, view us as the underbelly of education, the lowest, the pawns, when the truth of what we do is so incredibly important. But that’s another post for another day. I just want to be a student again. Or maybe I just want an excuse to buy school supplies.

It’s a process

peacegrrl — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 03:38:02 +0000

I’ve been thinking a lot about grief lately. I’m much more familiar with the “somebody died” grief than I am with the kind that you get when a person is most certainly alive, but no longer in your life. It’s very new to me. My relationships have always ended relatively amicably, and when I’ve lost friends in the past, it’s really been more of a trailing off because someone moved away or we just grew slowly apart. This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever been hurt so badly that I made the choice to sever a friendship completely. And I’m surprised to find that the process of working through it is a lot like death-grief, in that it’s completely non-linear: just when you think you’re moving on and doing ok, it comes up from behind and knocks you on your ass.

I’m no expert on holding a grudge, and the truth is that even though I’m moody and have a temper, winning me over isn’t too hard. (My sister is well aware of this and has been using it to her advantage since she was old enough to talk.) Until now it’s been next to impossible for me to stay mad at anyone. And I don’t want to be mad, believe me. I want to be in a healthy, loving, accepting place. Some days I feel like I’m getting there. I start to feel tendrils of forgiveness slowly wrapping around my heart, slowly erasing all of those feelings of betrayal. But when I least expect it, all of the anger and sadness and hurt and confusion and loneliness comes surging back and I feel as much pain as I did almost two months ago.

I don’t like this back-and-forth. I’m impatient and I want things to be neat and tidy: either I’m happy or I’m sad, either I love you or I never want to see you again. But I do realize that life is about living in the shades of gray in between. And I know I’ll be okay, whether we reconcile or never speak again. Because I am blessed with a life full of amazing people. The void is being filled, and I know that even painstakingly, tediously slow progress is still progress.

Sexism and American Apparel

peacegrrl — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 02:44:51 +0000

I was never a fan of this company, despite its fair-trade status. Thoroughly enjoyed this Shapely Prose post, which puts it way better than I could.

In which I am defeated by a billboard « Kate Harding’s Shapely Prose.

Also, way to go Democrats…first I was mad at the Massachusetts voters, but really it’s the fault of the left, who completely took this election for granted and let a bozo fill the seat due to their shit campaign. I have serious fears about what this means for health care reform.

Not happy

peacegrrl — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 03:07:53 +0000

Today sucks. I’m upset about the 26 students who failed my class this six weeks because they were too fucking lazy to do their research papers, in spite of over a week of CLASS TIME they had to do them. I’m upset about my aunt, who is out of the hospital and now in a “rehabilitation facility” (read: shithole nursing home) until she’s able to move around ok. I’m upset about my sister, who keeps putting off her doctor’s appointment. I’m upset about my mom, who is stressed and now I’m worried that her health is going to end up down the tubes. I’m upset that there’s a full week until payday, and I’m broke, because the first payday of the month goes for rent and credit cards and I’ve spent whatever was left either on gas driving back and forth from the hospital to my mom’s and home again or on meals out in between all of the driving. I’m upset about Haiti.

And then while walking Gracie tonight, I stepped off of a curb, fell, and rolled my ankle. Which hurts like absolute hell but appears to be intact. On the upside, it was an excellent opportunity to purge all of the upset-ness with a good cry.

It’s just a lousy day, and I know they happen. And at least I’m not crying about doomed friendships or my love life. But damn! When it rains it pours.

Time to take a pain pill and hope for a better tomorrow.

It’s Complicated…and letting the body be what it is

peacegrrl — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 02:49:53 +0000

First a few quick personal updates for anybody following along. Aunt’s surgery went well and she’s on the mend. Sister’s test is being scheduled and we’re hanging in there for now. I’m feeling great in spite of everything…school is going well and I’m healthy. And there’s a writer’s workshop I’m thinking of signing up for. It’s a 10-week class, but it’s tuition-free for teachers and it focuses on essay writing, which is my thing. All in all, I still have a sense of optimism about ’10. Don’t know if that’s crazy or what, but I’ve decided to go with it.

Today I saw It’s Complicated, the new Meryl Streep movie. Aside from the fact that it was pretty hilarious and surprisingly well-written, there was something else I noticed and really, really liked. Streep and Baldwin actually looked their ages. Not like the Hollywood-makeup-soft-focus version of late middle age, but the wrinkes-sagging-skin-extra-weight reality. Women, especially, are rarely given close-ups in mainstream films once they get above 50 or so (unless they’ve had a lot of work done), and for me the movie was like a breath of fresh air.

You may or may not know that body acceptance is a big deal with me. One of my priorities as of late has been making a conscious, daily effort to be respectful and loving of myself, flaws and all. Right Now. Not 20 pounds from now, or a haircut from now, or a boyfriend from now. This is not easy. The media works very hard to convince all of us that we’re not good enough, and we quickly forget that the images we see on TV/in films/in magazines represent neither “average” nor “real”. And there are two things a woman is almost never allowed to be if she’s the star in just about anything: fat (unless the movie revolves around significant weight loss and after that, of course, true love) or old. There still aren’t enough big girls on the screen, but that 60-year-old Meryl Streep is allowed to be a romantic lead and actually look 60 is a big deal, at least to me. I think it’s a step forward. And I’m somewhat inspired to quit worrying about the irritating set of wrinkles between my eyes. At least for now.

Unacceptable!

peacegrrl — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 01:53:22 +0000

OK, so things aren’t going so hot at the moment. They are, in fact, unacceptable as far as I’m concerned, because this is a new year, this is supposed to be the beginning of great things.

My aunt, who yes, is crazy and difficult but also oddly loveable, had a mild heart attack over the weekend. Today she had an angiogram that they expected would reveal something simple and easily fixed. Instead they found a major blockage and she’s having quadruple bypass surgery tomorrow.

Then there’s my sister, who has over the past year or so had a series of strange infections that no one can understand or identify. Today her specialist, after viewing her low blood count, decided it’s time for a bone marrow biopsy. Which tests for…yeah. Leukemia.

It is tempting at times such as these to dissolve into a mess of sobs and cry “why, God, why”…and I may do that in a few hours, who knows. But for the moment I’m just thinking, ok. This fucking sucks. But we’ll deal with it. Because we don’t have a choice, because if there’s anything my family knows how to do, it’s deal with bad shit. Because there are amazing people all around us who we can lean on. Because, look, I refuse to go through all of this without believing on some distant level there must be some good in it. I know that sounds far too hopeful and maybe a little flaky, but I’m sorry. If I don’t cling to the hope that blessings are on the way even in the face of terrible fear and the lowest of low times, I’ll never survive it. I won’t be able to find the will to get up in the morning and keep going.

Hope is all I’ve got.

Moving on!

peacegrrl — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 17:33:11 +0000

I vehemently do not do New Year’s resolutions, because I think they’re bullshit and I never keep them. At the same time, though, I find a lot of relief in the idea of a new beginning and the chance to start over. So instead of making a list of things that are wrong with me that I hope to change, I like to think of this as a good time to empty out my emotional closet. And a good time to think about the good things on the way in the future.

So, here a few things I’m looking forward to in 2010:

More writing. I’ve been on a roll for the past few weeks and I think the floodgates are finally open!
Travel plans. I’m off to Virginia for Spring Break, and Northern California this summer. Who knows what’s next—I’ve even got an invite to New Zealand! And maybe this will be the year I FINALLY get to Vegas?
The Red Carpet Oscar party in February. Yup, I’m a nerd, and I don’t care. Lisa and I have tickets to the Houston Symphony event next month and I can’t wait! Time to start looking for a red-carpet-worthy dress!
Nurturing the friendships I have, and forging ahead with new ones.
Learning something new. Every year I used to take up a new skill…it’s how I learned to knit, play guitar (although badly!), bake bread…not sure what this year’s thing will be. Maybe a new language? We’ll see.
Watching Tony grow. The sooner my nephew gets out of the terrible 2′s, the better. And at the same time, every time I see him he’s a little smarter and a little cuter. That kid amazes me!
More of my favorite things. Knitting, great movies, hours in bookstores, baking, concerts, aimless drives around the city. I’m looking forward to making more time do to the things that I love.

And on the flipside, there are some toxic things to let go of. Most importantly, it’s time to let a friendship go into total hibernation. Up to now I’ve left a few lines of communication open, sort of letting things hang in limbo, hoping that I’d work up the gumption to be able to say, “okay, everything’s fine, let’s just forget about it.” And since I haven’t been able to do it, I’m walking around with a stomach full of guilt. I do NOT want to carry that into the new decade. So the only thing to do is let go and pass the ball over to her. I didn’t make the choice to irrevocably change our friendship, and if anyone is to fight to preserve it, I don’t think it can be me. I’ve got enough on my plate trying to work out my feelings and heal up my broken heart. If our friendship is to be salvaged, I just have to believe it will be. And if it’s not, then I need to stop sitting around and waiting, and move forward.

Yay for new beginnings. What are you looking forward to this year?

New Year Meme

peacegrrl — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 17:49:28 +0000

This has been floating around in the blogosphere.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Hmm. Administered the TAKS test, worked in a state representative’s office, saw Cafe Tacuba live…among other things.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t do ‘em.

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?

Party @ the Kellys’.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not this year, thank goodness.

5. What countries did you visit?

Didn’t leave the US. Actually, didn’t leave southeast Texas…whoa. I just realized that. I don’t think I’ve ever spent an entire year in one geographic location before!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Materially? A smartphone, and a savings account that always has at least $100 in it. Spiritually? More peace and satisfaction with what I have, and less dwelling on what I’ve lost.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

December 3. Worst day of my year, hands down.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Succeeding in my first year of teaching, probably.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Being a decent judge of character. My first impressions are consistently wrong…so many of the people I’m quick to write off turn out to be the best friends I ever had. And the reverse has also been true.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Lots of bronchitis (thanks, dirty high school). And I rolled my right ankle twice.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My Dansko shoes! I love them. And of course I bought some great yarn!

12. Where did most of your money go?

Trips to the movies, restaurants, happy hour, groceries.

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Hmm. Maybe “This Tornado Loves You” by Neko Case. Or “I Don’t Care Anymore” by Wilco? Those two songs were on heavy rotation this year.

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Yoga.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?

A tie between crying and smoking.

16. What was your favourite TV program?

Maybe House? And Six Feet Under is a perennial favorite. I didn’t really watch any new TV this year.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don’t really do hate. There are people I dislike now that I didn’t dislike at this time last year…but there are many more people I like that I didn’t like/know at this time lat year.

18. What was the best book you read?

Into Thin Air by John Krakaur was good–it was my most recent great read. But I also loved On Chesil Beach by Ian McKewan.

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hmm. Lots of good stuff came my way this year…Sufjan Stevens, Band of Horses, and Augustana are probably three favorites, but I could go on for quite a while.

20. What was your favorite film of this year?

Very hard to answer. Slumdog Millionare is the hands-down favorite. It was technically a 2008 movie, but I didn’t see it until ’09, so does that count? I liked The Hangover for laughs, The Wrestler for thought-provoking drama, Invictus for inspiration. I’m sure I’m forgetting a few others–I’ve lost count of all the movies I saw this year.

21. What did you do on your birthday?

I turned 30, and kept it VERY low key. Dinner with the family one day, dinner with Lisa another, and that’s about it.

22. What kept you sane?

Music. Modest Mouse, Neko Case, Sufjan Stevens, John Mayer, Keane, The Killers, Feist, Band of Horses, Wilco, Ben Kweller, The Shins, A. R. Rahman, Aqualung, Arcade Fire, John Brion, Joshua Radin, Interpol, U2…they have all been my therapy.

23. Who did you miss?

Lots of friends from Ohio. My dad (that’s ever year, though).

24. Who was the best new person you met?

The whole friday Happy Hour crew. And Shawn (that’s the side benefit of being a serial blind-dater: once in a while you make a great new friend!)

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

It’s ok to reach out when things are shitty. The love of the people around me never, ever ceases to amaze me.

And every single girl should have a dog. Gracie is my best friend!

A hodgepodge

peacegrrl — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 04:14:28 +0000

First thing’s first: I went on a blind date today. My absolute LAST one for 2009 (ok, I’ll grant you that isn’t much of a promise since there are only about 48 hours left in the year, but still). I think it went well. The movie was terrific (Invictus, you should go see it) and the guy was friendly and attractive. And I don’t have to wonder if he was interested, because I’ve already heard from him (I know it’s a good sign when I haven’t gotten home yet and the guy has already texted to line up the next date). It was all very drama free. I don’t know, maybe my heart is still numb. I’m flattered but I’m not all fluttery. Or perhaps I’m not feeling a “spark” because there’s no excruciating suspense. Well, fuck the spark, I think it’s highly overrated and it really hasn’t ever gotten me anywhere. Maybe I’ve just finally learned to go with the flow?

Next item on the agenda…I have a socio-technological dilemma. It’s that fucking Facebook. I’m trying to decide whether or not to drop a friend. I’ve engaged the “hide” feature to get them off of my news feed, but I have a sadistic tendency to profile-stalk. You don’t have to tell me, I KNOW it’s pathetic. Every time I do it, I read something that makes me feel like I’ve just re-opened a wound. I’m afraid to delete the friend, though–it’s like if I do that, I’ve severed the one delicate filament of a thread that keeps us somehow in each other’s lives. It feels so very final, like saying goodbye forever, even though I know that’s ridiculous. I can’t decide what to do! Does anybody have any advice? Am I just being a total dumbass high-school-drama-queen? Ack, I can’t believe I’ve even ADMITTED to this entire situation!

But I’m finding that putting my shit out there, even the really squicky stuff, has been incredibly cathartic. I’m feeling better, somehow, knowing that my thoughts aren’t locked up in my head anymore, even if they do sound kind of crazy. Starting blogging again was the best thing I could have done in my current state. In sharing all of this, I feel like I’ve relieved myself of a huge, crushing weight. And if you’re reading, thanks for being a part of that.