1. I adopted a dog this weekend.  Her name is Gracie, and she is an 18-month old Border Collie/Lab mix (apparently they’re called “Boradors”?)  She was part of an adoption drive at the movie theater on Saturday, and they told us that she was up for euthanasia on Monday (nobody wanted the older dogs, but every puppy found a home yesterday).  I don’t know if that’s true or what, but we fell in love with her, and found out that she’s house- and leash-trained (seriously, this dog hasn’t tried to chew a thing or made a single mess).  I think she’s decided that she’s going to adopt me, too, so it’s working out.  I’ll post pictures as soon as I get some decent ones.
2. I went out on a date tonight.  It went very, very well.  I like him.  He claims to like me.  He’s educated, gainfully employed, funny, a democrat, and likes sushi.  He’s also very cute and a lot taller than me, a huge plus.  I don’t want to jinx it.  Send me good vibes!
3. I am sick.  This year I’ve been sick more often than I’ve been well.  Now it’s a chest cold, and it’s bad.  I can’t breath very well.  I’m headed to the doctor first thing in the morning and I’m hoping it’s just a case of bronchitis, and not something more sinister.  Bleh.

That’s all for now–time for Gracie and I to head to bed, and for the mucinex to do its work.  Hope everybody has a great week!

God bless America.

OK, so I’m not moving.  Nobody wants me to, and frankly it’s probably too much trouble.  I do want to pimp out this space a bit more, though, so don’t be alarmed by changes.  I don’t have a whole lot to report right now.  An ex-boyfriend has re-appeared in my life through facebook and other technological marvels, which has gotten me thinking about how nowadays it feels almost impossible to escape my past.  Is the universe putting this man back into my life for a reason, or this just a random thing?  It’s kind of flattering to have someone thinking that somehow I can solve his problems.  But the truth is I have no answers for myself, so I certainly have no answers for him.

Lots of big questions swirling around in my head these days.  Am I really lonely, or simply going through a period of readjustment now that I’m settled into my career?  In being such an introvert, have I created a situation that makes forming new friendships impossible?  What part of town can I reasonably afford to move to once my lease is up in May?  Will I really get my credit cards paid off this year?   Should I look for a therapist?  Is the hottie in the social studies department aware of my existence?  For a while at the beginning of the school year, teaching was kicking my ass to the point where I didn’t have the energy to ponder these and other assorted mysteries.  Now that I’m in better shape, my mind appears to be trying to make up for lost time.  How do I get out of my head?  Everything I try seems to pull me deeper into it.

Enough pondering, though.  All is well, and all will be ok.

Despite the big “blogging without obligation” sticker over there to the left, I feel guilty about my two-month hiatus. I just got busy, and tried to turn inward, and worried that nobody would care what I had to say. Or maybe I was just too lazy to formulate anything remotely interesting. I can’t really explain it. I’m feeling inspired again, though, so I’m back. I checked my sitemeter and I have to thank the loyal who keep coming back, even though I never seem to update anymore. Yes, this is a tiny insignificant corner of cyberspace and ultimately what I say here isn’t important…but it’s oddly comforting to know that there are some folks who are following along.

So, where to start. 2008, what a year, right? For me, personally, and for the country. A lot of shit went down. And here we are, at a whole new year. Here’s a confession: pretty much every year since adolescence, my new year has meant feeling equally optimistic and crappy. Optimistic because it’s a new start, and crappy because I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to the year before. And crappy because I knew I’d make resolutions, and they’d all somehow revolve around not liking my body, not liking my life, or something along those lines…and I probably wouldn’t keep them. And yet I would repeat this exercise, year after year, closing out the one before feeling like I blew it yet again, and ready to make some more promises to myself that I really and truly had no intention of keeping.

It is so easy to build a lasting relationship with guilt.

And let me tell you, guilt has a payoff. Otherwise, we wouldn’t bother with it, would we? For me the payoff of guilt is that it’s always there to use as an excuse. I have somehow programmed my mind to believe that as long as I feel guilty about doing something, it’s ok to keep doing it. As long as I’m self-aware enough to beat myself up over it, repeating the behavior–whatever it is–is completely acceptable. I do this with body acceptance, with toxic relationships, with my family. I did it when I was a smoker, I do it when I procrastinate stuff for work. I figure as long as I feel bad about it, it’s a free pass to continue being a dumbass.

So…this year, while I know breaking up with guilt won’t be easy (I’m a lapsed Catholic, for heaven’s sake), I’m working to change the arrangement a little. I’m not making a list of resolutions to hold against myself when, come February 1st, I’ve blown off all of them. Instead, I am making a single promise: to stop treating myself like crap. And using guilt as a tool for self-flagellation falls under that umbrella.

A few other things, do, too: such as starving myself, talking bad about myself (whether I’m telling myself I’m too fat, too ugly, too dumb, too smart, or whatever else), throwing away my money (goodbye, credit cards, hello, savings account!) and abusing my body (most often by not taking care of it).

Basically, I’m going to let myself be who I am. I’m going to trust what the universe sends into my life. And I’m going to fight the urge to feel bad about the decisions I make. That’s it.

I’m using the blog to keep myself accountable, so bug me and hold me to it. But I’m wondering, is my current rant-style blog the right tool to help me start moving away from negativity? I mean, complaining definitely has its place (and damn, I’m good at it!) But do I need to set up another home to chronicle this whole soul-healthy peacegrrl experience? I want to play with the new poll feature on wordpress, so let’s put it to a vote:

I’ll skip the apology about not having written in so long, and just jump right into the good stuff.

• A (belated) WHOOT for last Tuesday!  It’s exciting enough that Obama won, but the icing……my county is a BLUE DOT in a sea of Texas red.  That’s right.  Harris went for Obama.  SWEET.
• Thanks to lots of walking, nightly meditation, and the no complaint thing I’m trying (with some struggles, admittedly), a healthier peacegrrl is emerging.  Yes, I have PMS and I’m bitchy this week.  Yes, I have an addiction to the “texas cinnamon rolls” in the vending maching in the teacher’s lounge (and judging by how fast those suckers sold out yesterday, I’m not the ONLY one…).  However, I really do come home each day a little less exhausted and beaten than the day before.  And it’s kind of nice that all of my clothes are fitting a little baggier these days.
• My sister is graduating from junior college tonight!!!!  I’m so proud of her.  She’s struggled through a lot in the past decade–getting sick, having to leave high school, busting her ass to whip through the GED exam, dating a scumbag, and finding and marrying the love of her life.  Then she had a baby, and two months later decided to go back to school AND work.  And now she’s putting on a cap and gown for the first time.  She’ll never admit how excited she is, but she’s glowing…and rightly so.  Way to go sista!!!
• I might have a date this weekend.  I having the feeling it’s Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right, but I’m psyched to be getting back out there.  Wish me luck!

That’s about all I’ve got for now.  I hope everyone who’s still reading this is well and happy!

nearly enough of anymore…a list in no particular order:

1. Knit.  I (gasp) haven’t picked up a piece of knitting in something like three weeks now.  Does this make me a bad knitter?
2. Read.  I have a stack of great new books, like this one and the latest Ian McEwan, finally in paperback.  And a few that Vixen has graciously let me borrow.  They are sitting in a perfectly lovely pile on my new Ikea nightstand, just waiting for me…
3. Bake/cook.  I seem to have left all traces of a domestic life behind, regardless of how much I enjoy doing these things.
4. Create.  In spite of a huge stockpile of supplies, I haven’t collaged or scrapbooked or done anything remotely crafty in the last few months, unless you count putting up a few classroom bulletin boards.

There’s one thing, though, that I’m picking back up as we speak, and I’m hoping it will lead me to get back to doing the other things I love:  taking time to reflect.  I think these first few months of teaching were all about getting swept into the whirlwind (quite literally, once Ike hit us).  I was paddling with such intensity to keep my head above the water that I paid no attention to what was really happening in my own life.  I’d like to think I’ve caught my breath a bit, as I’ve settled in and figured out where my time needs to be spent.  Tonight I have no papers to grade, for once I’m not completely exhausted, and it’s only 6:45.  I have so much free time that I hardly know what to do with myself!

And of course, now that I have time to think about it, I’m longing for a soul mate (or at least a reasonable stand-in).  Even though my family (God knows) is around me all the time, I feel so completely isolated.  When I finally do manage to find myself in a relationship, will I have forgotten how intimacy works?  Is it like riding a bike?  Have I become too selfish over the past year?  Who knows.  These are things I’m willing to figure out later.

I hope this post doesn’t sound too new-agey.  I took a few very deep breaths (both literally and figuratively!) this weekend and I feel like I’m getting my bearings again.  I was in the right place at the right time, and my mind was open, and this quote really spoke to me yesterday:

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.    -Rumi

I don’t mean to sound like a hallmark commercial, but isn’t that a neat idea?  I can apply it to so many parts of my life–what about the barriers that I build that keep me from loving my family?  My friends?  The space I inhabit (you should see my apartment!!!)?  My SELF?

It’s a lot to think about–I hope I can push myself to make time to do that….

P.S.:  Thanks Corey for the advice, I have put it to good use!  Between walking laps around the building AND recommitting myself to Yoga (or at least trying to, hold me to it, Vixen), my body doesn’t feel like it’s been pulled through a meat grinder at the end of the day anymore.

Of course in the midst of my exhaustion, I watched the debate last night.  And if the media wants to give McCain a point and say he won this one, then fine.  It’s no secret that I don’t like the man’s politics, and there was certainly going to be PLENTY that would piss me off during those ninety minutes.  But as a feminist, I take some serious issue with THIS bullshit:

Obama:  With respect to partial-birth abortion, I am completely supportive of a ban on late-term abortions, partial-birth or otherwise, as long as there’s an exception for the mother’s health and life, and this did not contain that exception.

………

McCain:  Just again, the example of the eloquence of Senator Obama. The health of the mother. [Making 'air quotes' with his hands on the word 'health'.] You know, that’s been stretched by the pro-abortion movement in America to mean almost anything. That’s the extreme pro-abortion position, quote, “health.”

My GOD, does that ever piss me off.  First of all:  blowing off the issue of women’s health to make a political point is simply bad form.  Especially if this man is hoping to scoop up some disgruntled Hillary supporters.  To argue that there should be absolutely no women’s health exception to late-term abortion laws, to imply that we need the government to apply its laws to our bodies because we’re not capable of telling the difference between what is a health risk and what isn’t…GRRRRRRR.

And I so wish Obama would have called him on the use of the words “pro abortion.”  Supporting choice, believing that the government does not have jurisdiction over my uterus:  that’s not “pro abortion.”  Believing no woman should be forced to use a coat hanger or go to a dark alley and pay some guy a few hundred dollars to use dirty instruments and a flashlight:  that’s not “pro abortion.”  Asking for exceptions to late-term abortion laws to take into account that some women have to make the devastating choice between their lives and the lives of their own children:  that is not “pro abortion.”  Wanting education that emphasizes family planning and safer sex, and that does not idiotically preach abstinence to the exclusion of every other possible method of safe, available birth control, because we all know how well THAT works (Sarah Palin, I’m looking at you…):  THAT is not “pro abortion.”  This insistence that we are a bunch of rabid, unstable women and men who are actually setting out to destroy unborn children is the kind of knee-jerk rhetoric that the right uses to take our eyes off of the real issues in this country.  None of us are “pro abortion.”  We’re pro choice.

The polls are allegedly swinging our way, but everybody knows it’s anybody’s game.  I don’t know what I’m more afraid of–a President McCain, or, God forbid it, a President Palin.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t want the leader of the free world to be a person who can’t name a single Supreme Court decision other than Roe vs. Wade and who thinks that she can say “hockey mom” and wink a few times to win my vote.  Does anyone else find that prospect as terrifying as I do?

Just over two weeks to go…and I’m getting nervous.

Let me just say this:  I’m working on it.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve determined two important things:

• I love my job.  Really and truly.  It’s a great feeling, waking up in the morning and actually liking what you’re doing.  I don’t love every minute of it, but I find something to love about it every day.
• Bodywise, though, my job is not loving me.  The long hours on my feet have contributed to some serious slimming (I’m down a size, woot!) but leave me feeling sore and exhausted at the end of each day.  I know the solution to this is to fight fire with fire and go workout after work…yoga, weights, something–but the idea of taking my exhausted, sore body anywhere but home at the end of the day just isn’t jiving.  Somebody encourage me.

The zapped energy isn’t just leading me to neglect my blog, either.  I haven’t actually picked up my knitting needles in weeks!  I still read a little, but I usually can’t get past a few pages before I nod off.  9pm rolls around and I’m looking for a pillow!  I never thought I’d see the day.

So…as I said, I’m working on it.  I know that I’ll find my groove, get into better shape, and stop feeling like shit at the end of the day soon.  If anybody has any ideas…homeopathic cures, meditation chants, ass-kicking words of encouragement, anything!!!  Feel free to pass them along.  I’m having my own little energy crisis over here…

In no particular order.

• School is back in session! The students are no worse for the wear, thank goodness, but I did find out that one of my colleagues lost her house to flooding, and as of Friday around 20% of the teaching staff still didn’t have electricity. The school itself had some water damage, but all is well and we’re doing our best to get back to normal…and praying that the state doesn’t force us to make up all 9 missed days!
• Just in time to get back to teaching, I have completely lost my voice. Now, if you know me, you’re aware that this is a problem. I’m…a bit of a talker. Just a bit. And this SUCKS! I had just enough voice to teach on Thursday, but halfway through yesterday it just gave out, and I had to get a sub for the rest of the day. Today it’s coming and going, but the sound is more like a horn honking than anything else, and I think it’s scaring my nephew…
• It’s good movie season again! Today I’m off to see The Duchess with Vixen, tomorrow it’s Burn After Reading, and I’m already making plans to see The Lucky Ones and Lakeview Terrace within the next week or so.  Anybody seen any of them?  Were they good?  I love this time of year…
• Barack kicked ass in the debate last night, but then again, is anybody surprised?   And if you need a laugh, check this out…I’m so glad I watched Countdown that night, because I haven’t stayed up late enough to watch Letterman in ages.  But it was so worth it.

That’s about all I’ve got for the time being.  Off to enjoy the weekend, and pray fervently that my voice comes back soon…

Last Thursday, I felt a little tickle in my throat, and decided I might be getting sick.  By Saturday I couldn’t swallow or speak very well, and while today I have my voice back, it’s several octaves lower than normal.  The verdict?  It’s sinusitis, which I’ve had about a million times, but this incarnation of it is by far the suckiest.  So I’m spending the remainder of my unexpected vacation planted on the couch and on a strict regimen of antibiotics and decongestants.  Yuck.

At least the timing is in my favor; we STILL aren’t back in school.  Staff is supposed to report on Wednesday and I think classes will actually resume on Thursday–that means we’ve had two full weeks away.  I’m glad we were in the middle of writing essays and not reading anything, because picking back up would have been impossible.  I’m also grateful we have a workday before everybody comes back, because I can hardly remember where we left off!  I think the holdup has been because of power not being restored–traffic lights are still out all over town and a bunch of stores are still closed.  There was a story on the news about power crews in a middle-class neighborhood who were pulled off of their ladders and told to go to River Oaks, an uber-wealthy part of town (more info and the company’s excuse here), and I saw plenty of gas hoarding when I filled up last Wednesday.  A woman pulled up in an Expedition, filled up, and then opened her liftgate and proceeded to fill FOUR ten-gallon gas cans.  Other than that, though, things are ok.  We’re enjoying a nice, long break from my aunt (who at present is terribly upset because her favorite TV shows are being preempted for continuing hurricane recovery coverage.  She calls at least twice a day to lament this fact.).

That’s about all I’ve got…I wish I had some more interesting or fun news to share, but it’s been all about kleenex and cough drops for me!  Hopefully I’m back in shape by Wednesday.  I have to admit, I’ve never looked forward to going back to work as much as I do right now.  I want my routine back!