Despite the big “blogging without obligation” sticker over there to the left, I feel guilty about my two-month hiatus. I just got busy, and tried to turn inward, and worried that nobody would care what I had to say. Or maybe I was just too lazy to formulate anything remotely interesting. I can’t really explain it. I’m feeling inspired again, though, so I’m back. I checked my sitemeter and I have to thank the loyal who keep coming back, even though I never seem to update anymore. Yes, this is a tiny insignificant corner of cyberspace and ultimately what I say here isn’t important…but it’s oddly comforting to know that there are some folks who are following along.
So, where to start. 2008, what a year, right? For me, personally, and for the country. A lot of shit went down. And here we are, at a whole new year. Here’s a confession: pretty much every year since adolescence, my new year has meant feeling equally optimistic and crappy. Optimistic because it’s a new start, and crappy because I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to the year before. And crappy because I knew I’d make resolutions, and they’d all somehow revolve around not liking my body, not liking my life, or something along those lines…and I probably wouldn’t keep them. And yet I would repeat this exercise, year after year, closing out the one before feeling like I blew it yet again, and ready to make some more promises to myself that I really and truly had no intention of keeping.
It is so easy to build a lasting relationship with guilt.
And let me tell you, guilt has a payoff. Otherwise, we wouldn’t bother with it, would we? For me the payoff of guilt is that it’s always there to use as an excuse. I have somehow programmed my mind to believe that as long as I feel guilty about doing something, it’s ok to keep doing it. As long as I’m self-aware enough to beat myself up over it, repeating the behavior–whatever it is–is completely acceptable. I do this with body acceptance, with toxic relationships, with my family. I did it when I was a smoker, I do it when I procrastinate stuff for work. I figure as long as I feel bad about it, it’s a free pass to continue being a dumbass.
So…this year, while I know breaking up with guilt won’t be easy (I’m a lapsed Catholic, for heaven’s sake), I’m working to change the arrangement a little. I’m not making a list of resolutions to hold against myself when, come February 1st, I’ve blown off all of them. Instead, I am making a single promise: to stop treating myself like crap. And using guilt as a tool for self-flagellation falls under that umbrella.
A few other things, do, too: such as starving myself, talking bad about myself (whether I’m telling myself I’m too fat, too ugly, too dumb, too smart, or whatever else), throwing away my money (goodbye, credit cards, hello, savings account!) and abusing my body (most often by not taking care of it).
Basically, I’m going to let myself be who I am. I’m going to trust what the universe sends into my life. And I’m going to fight the urge to feel bad about the decisions I make. That’s it.
I’m using the blog to keep myself accountable, so bug me and hold me to it. But I’m wondering, is my current rant-style blog the right tool to help me start moving away from negativity? I mean, complaining definitely has its place (and damn, I’m good at it!) But do I need to set up another home to chronicle this whole soul-healthy peacegrrl experience? I want to play with the new poll feature on wordpress, so let’s put it to a vote:
