I adopted a dog this weekend. Her name is Gracie, and she is an 18-month old Border Collie/Lab mix (apparently they’re called “Boradors”?) She was part of an adoption drive at the movie theater on Saturday, and they told us that she was up for euthanasia on Monday (nobody wanted the older dogs, but every puppy found a home yesterday). I don’t know if that’s true or what, but we fell in love with her, and found out that she’s house- and leash-trained (seriously, this dog hasn’t tried to chew a thing or made a single mess). I think she’s decided that she’s going to adopt me, too, so it’s working out. I’ll post pictures as soon as I get some decent ones.
I went out on a date tonight. It went very, very well. I like him. He claims to like me. He’s educated, gainfully employed, funny, a democrat, and likes sushi. He’s also very cute and a lot taller than me, a huge plus. I don’t want to jinx it. Send me good vibes!
I am sick. This year I’ve been sick more often than I’ve been well. Now it’s a chest cold, and it’s bad. I can’t breath very well. I’m headed to the doctor first thing in the morning and I’m hoping it’s just a case of bronchitis, and not something more sinister. Bleh.
That’s all for now–time for Gracie and I to head to bed, and for the mucinex to do its work. Hope everybody has a great week!
OK, so I’m not moving. Nobody wants me to, and frankly it’s probably too much trouble. I do want to pimp out this space a bit more, though, so don’t be alarmed by changes. I don’t have a whole lot to report right now. An ex-boyfriend has re-appeared in my life through facebook and other technological marvels, which has gotten me thinking about how nowadays it feels almost impossible to escape my past. Is the universe putting this man back into my life for a reason, or this just a random thing? It’s kind of flattering to have someone thinking that somehow I can solve his problems. But the truth is I have no answers for myself, so I certainly have no answers for him.
Lots of big questions swirling around in my head these days. Am I really lonely, or simply going through a period of readjustment now that I’m settled into my career? In being such an introvert, have I created a situation that makes forming new friendships impossible? What part of town can I reasonably afford to move to once my lease is up in May? Will I really get my credit cards paid off this year? Should I look for a therapist? Is the hottie in the social studies department aware of my existence? For a while at the beginning of the school year, teaching was kicking my ass to the point where I didn’t have the energy to ponder these and other assorted mysteries. Now that I’m in better shape, my mind appears to be trying to make up for lost time. How do I get out of my head? Everything I try seems to pull me deeper into it.
Enough pondering, though. All is well, and all will be ok.
Despite the big “blogging without obligation” sticker over there to the left, I feel guilty about my two-month hiatus. I just got busy, and tried to turn inward, and worried that nobody would care what I had to say. Or maybe I was just too lazy to formulate anything remotely interesting. I can’t really explain it. I’m feeling inspired again, though, so I’m back. I checked my sitemeter and I have to thank the loyal who keep coming back, even though I never seem to update anymore. Yes, this is a tiny insignificant corner of cyberspace and ultimately what I say here isn’t important…but it’s oddly comforting to know that there are some folks who are following along.
So, where to start. 2008, what a year, right? For me, personally, and for the country. A lot of shit went down. And here we are, at a whole new year. Here’s a confession: pretty much every year since adolescence, my new year has meant feeling equally optimistic and crappy. Optimistic because it’s a new start, and crappy because I didn’t accomplish what I wanted to the year before. And crappy because I knew I’d make resolutions, and they’d all somehow revolve around not liking my body, not liking my life, or something along those lines…and I probably wouldn’t keep them. And yet I would repeat this exercise, year after year, closing out the one before feeling like I blew it yet again, and ready to make some more promises to myself that I really and truly had no intention of keeping.
It is so easy to build a lasting relationship with guilt.
And let me tell you, guilt has a payoff. Otherwise, we wouldn’t bother with it, would we? For me the payoff of guilt is that it’s always there to use as an excuse. I have somehow programmed my mind to believe that as long as I feel guilty about doing something, it’s ok to keep doing it. As long as I’m self-aware enough to beat myself up over it, repeating the behavior–whatever it is–is completely acceptable. I do this with body acceptance, with toxic relationships, with my family. I did it when I was a smoker, I do it when I procrastinate stuff for work. I figure as long as I feel bad about it, it’s a free pass to continue being a dumbass.
So…this year, while I know breaking up with guilt won’t be easy (I’m a lapsed Catholic, for heaven’s sake), I’m working to change the arrangement a little. I’m not making a list of resolutions to hold against myself when, come February 1st, I’ve blown off all of them. Instead, I am making a single promise: to stop treating myself like crap. And using guilt as a tool for self-flagellation falls under that umbrella.
A few other things, do, too: such as starving myself, talking bad about myself (whether I’m telling myself I’m too fat, too ugly, too dumb, too smart, or whatever else), throwing away my money (goodbye, credit cards, hello, savings account!) and abusing my body (most often by not taking care of it).
Basically, I’m going to let myself be who I am. I’m going to trust what the universe sends into my life. And I’m going to fight the urge to feel bad about the decisions I make. That’s it.
I’m using the blog to keep myself accountable, so bug me and hold me to it. But I’m wondering, is my current rant-style blog the right tool to help me start moving away from negativity? I mean, complaining definitely has its place (and damn, I’m good at it!) But do I need to set up another home to chronicle this whole soul-healthy peacegrrl experience? I want to play with the new poll feature on wordpress, so let’s put it to a vote:
I’ll skip the apology about not having written in so long, and just jump right into the good stuff.
A (belated) WHOOT for last Tuesday! It’s exciting enough that Obama won, but the icing……my county is a BLUE DOT in a sea of Texas red. That’s right. Harris went for Obama. SWEET.
Thanks to lots of walking, nightly meditation, and the no complaint thing I’m trying (with some struggles, admittedly), a healthier peacegrrl is emerging. Yes, I have PMS and I’m bitchy this week. Yes, I have an addiction to the “texas cinnamon rolls” in the vending maching in the teacher’s lounge (and judging by how fast those suckers sold out yesterday, I’m not the ONLY one…). However, I really do come home each day a little less exhausted and beaten than the day before. And it’s kind of nice that all of my clothes are fitting a little baggier these days.
My sister is graduating from junior college tonight!!!! I’m so proud of her. She’s struggled through a lot in the past decade–getting sick, having to leave high school, busting her ass to whip through the GED exam, dating a scumbag, and finding and marrying the love of her life. Then she had a baby, and two months later decided to go back to school AND work. And now she’s putting on a cap and gown for the first time. She’ll never admit how excited she is, but she’s glowing…and rightly so. Way to go sista!!!
I might have a date this weekend. I having the feeling it’s Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right, but I’m psyched to be getting back out there. Wish me luck!
That’s about all I’ve got for now. I hope everyone who’s still reading this is well and happy!
I'm an almost-30 Texan who became a Northeast Ohioan and then decided to move back to Houston. Currently in the midst of a huge career change, I aspire to be one of those well-adjusted, focused, peaceful people who can thrive almost anywhere. My reality is too much stress and a bothersome tendency to worry. I love to read. I love HBO shows...the Ss (Sopranos, Sex and the City, and Six Feet Under) in particular. This blog is a place to share my angst in family and work life, to wince about being a single girl in the big old city, and to occasionally talk about knitting, one of my favorite obsessions.
